I am totally convinced that there are always going to various tests to each of our spiritual walks in life. They frequently come in the least suspecting ways and are often in those areas that have proven to be the most challenging for us to deal with. In my case, one of those tests came in the form of a very simple e-mail I received late last night.
This test began when I checked for any new e-mail on my Iphone in the earlier part of the evening. I noticed there was a single one that had come from my website’s submission page so I clicked it open. Soon after, I realized it was from someone who had been a huge part of my former active addiction-based years. Without going into too much detail, let me just say that it was from a man who was the mirror image at one time of my own sex and love based addiction. But even more importantly to admit is the thing that connected the two of us together for many years and that was lust.
Lust is something that took me away from my Higher Power time and time and time again. It’s something that led me into sexual behaviors with people who weren’t healthy for my spiritual growth. And it’s something that ended up making me extremely spiritually sick each time I engaged in it. Thankfully I immersed myself into the 12 Steps a few years ago and started to draw much closer to my Higher Power. Through all of that work I learned I needed to cut off contact from anyone or anything that triggered me into my sex and love addiction. And the man who had sent me that e-mail last night was close to the top of that list.
Have you ever had to face one of these types of situations where you knew what you needed to do, but your ego was telling you otherwise? This man was someone I spent days, weeks, months, and even years, fantasizing about, lusting over, and occupying a large part my life. In other words, I allowed his presence to completely consume a huge part of me. While I knew instantly when I got his e-mail that I needed to delete it, my mind kept saying, “It’s ok, respond and say hello, you’re stronger now!”
This is addiction at it’s very best and worst. It’s what addiction does to someone and how it’s leads a person back into a relapse. It tries to tell you in a very innocent way that it will be better this time around. But what really is going on underneath those coy words is that the addiction is looking for a way to rear its ugly head again. To maintain sobriety and recovery, an alcoholic can NEVER take a single drink again, an addict can NEVER take a single drug again, a chronic gambler can NEVER go to a casino again, and a sex and love addict can NEVER give into their triggers again either.
And thankfully I didn’t!
I have a lot of gratitude this morning to my Higher Power for making the right decisions last night. Not only did I delete that e-mail without responding, I was also fully honest with my partner about it as well. My truth is that I don’t ever want to go back to the darkness I once lived in with that addiction. It destroyed my life, maybe even more than my alcohol and drug addiction did.
Whether that man I once lusted over and was tempted with regularly is healthier today or not doesn’t really matter. And whether I’m stronger or not in my life these days doesn’t really matter either. What truly matters is that I stay away from testing those waters ever again, because there’s a good chance if I do test them, I’m going to jump fully into them again, even if they are frigid or boiling hot to the touch.
So the bottom line is this. Whether you are recovering from an addiction or not, there’s always going to be tests that come to us in the least suspecting ways. Each is an opportunity for growth to see what’s more important in our life, our ego or our desire to be more spiritually grounded with our Higher Power. Choose the latter and your life is going to be filled with a lot less ups and downs and whole heck of lot more love and light.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
