Month: May 2014

Blowing Things Up Way Out Of Proportion

I’m sure we’ve all done it.

Actually, it’s quite easy to do.

So what is it you may be wondering???

It’s the fact that many of us often take something that initially happens to us and blow it up way out of proportion, only to find out later it really wasn’t all that bad.

I had a good chuckle the other day with myself when I sat down with a friend over dinner. He had asked me a week prior to meet with him, as he had something to discuss with me. Right away his request had raised a little fear within me and on some level, it probably occupied active headspace the entire number of days that led up to our meal together. Most of my thoughts surrounding it were along the lines of what I had done wrong or was I going to be scolded. Much of that stems back to how things were with my mother and how I felt I was always walking on eggshells around her. Ironically, my friend only wanted to take a few minutes to clarify some feelings about a comment I had made to him in weeks prior. When the meal was over, I saw how I had wasted a lot of my energy giving into those irrational fears prior to he and I ever meeting.

A few weeks ago I had another one of these experiences where I blew something up way out of proportion once again. It actually dealt with this blog when I was notified by e-mail that the tool I use for it was going away on June 25th. My first reaction involved a day of temper tantrums that my partner witnessed and it wasn’t pretty. I allowed myself for almost 24 hours to go into an incredible amount of anxiety about the work that was going to be involved in finding a new blog tool and starting again. When I finally sat down and made a few phone calls to my current blog company, I saw how it really wasn’t going to be that bad. But the stress I put myself through prior to actually doing that was something I’ve done to myself throughout my life.

I used to be one of those people who said that I had chronic anxiety and it dealt with a chemical imbalance. The reality was that a large part of that anxiety was not a chemical imbalance at all. It truly was of my own creation. Every time something happened in my life that I didn’t know how much it was going to affect me, I’d worry about it incessantly until it was done and over with. Often I’d create a self-fulfilling prophecy making the worst-case scenario happen because of all that worry and the stress and damage it did to my system was incredible.

I’ve read that all anxiety and fear is based around one of two things. We are either afraid we’re never going to get something we think we need or we are afraid we’re going to lose something we already have that we think we can’t lose. In the case of the dinner meeting with my friend, I can see how the source of my anxiety was a deep-seated fear of being abandoned and losing him as a friend. In the case of my blog site, I can see how the source of that anxiety was based around my fear of losing all my work and the people who have been reading it on here. Last year when I was turned down for social security disability for the final time, I thought it was going to be the end of my world. I’m actually grateful today though that I never got it. That’s only because I find myself being more motivated in life to pursue new ventures since I don’t have a regular stipend coming in to keep me comfortable. Looking back at any other anxieties and fears from my past, I can see how every one of them fell into one of these two categories as well.

The only solution I’ve found so far to dealing with this, when I still blow up things out of proportion, is to pray for clarity and meditate through the irrational fears. I’m not always so good with it but I am definitely getting better. I’m able to see now how my self-will leads me into doing this and so I do my best to turn my fears and worries over to my Higher Power each and every day. In doing so, I’m not living with chronic anxiety these days nor do I rely upon any medication to achieve this. I have a lot more acceptance that any of these situations are opportunities for positive change and spiritual growth in my life.

So if you are someone who regularly is blowing things up out of proportion, I encourage you to start taking a lot more moments to breathe by spending time in prayer and mediation with your Higher Power. In doing so, you will strengthen that connection and most likely find your life becoming a lot less anxious over any of the things that happen to you. And in the long run, you too will probably see that none of them were really all that bad…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

In And Out Of The Closet

It really is sometimes quite difficult being gay and in a same-sex relationship, even in this day and age. Even though there are a lot more laws in place to protect people like me, even though a bunch of states have legalized marriage, and even though there are many more supporters of gay rights, I still have a lot of fear about what it means to me to be fully out of the closet.

I believe that coming out of the closet will look and feel different for each and every individual who ends up going through this process. Initially, when I did so, it came in the form of a declaration to my family that I was attracted more to a man than a woman. But over the years since then I have come to feel that there are many more stages to this process, some of which I know I went through, and some of which I know I still haven’t.

When this process began as I told my parents I was attracted to men, I had to overcome an incredible amount of fear to do so. My biggest worry back then was their rejection. I’ve seen over the years how many other mothers and fathers completely disowned their children because of their sexual preference and thankfully I never had to go through that. My father completely accepted me when I told him, and while my mother never totally embraced that part of me, she did do her best to continue loving me as her only son.

As the years went on after this initial coming out process, I would go through the various other stages of stepping out of that closet. Some of that would include going to a gay bar, joining a gay bowling league, going on a gay date, and getting into a gay relationship. Each of those actions involved me walking through additional fear and taking several more steps outside of that closet. But the biggest challenge to my coming out process began when I tried to intermix with other heterosexual people as a homosexual. That’s when the rejections began popping up everywhere.

There were multiple “not welcomed” stamps given to me from various churches. There were many “I can’t be your friend” stamps handed to me by people I thought were close. There were even jobs that let me go because of my sexuality preference. Each of these things led me in the complete opposite direction of where I was headed with my sexuality and soon I found myself going back into that closet.

First I started saying I was bi-sexual because I saw how that seemed to gain more acceptance by society. Next, I started dating women again even though I felt little to no connection with them. Then I began going to the same type of churches that had denied me entrance as a member. And finally, I began hanging out with those very people who felt begin gay was a sin.

I thank God that I eventually woke up and saw what I was doing to myself. I realized I had almost fully denied who I was. That’s when I began to start my coming out process all over again by taking a few steps out of the closet once again. I walked away from those people who were around me that had racism towards gay people. I avoided those churches and places of employment that held very right wing stances towards homosexuals. And I began surrounding myself with all those who were in support and love of all walks of life including gay people such as me.

Over the past two years since then, life has definitely changed for me. I’m not afraid anymore to be in a relationship with a gay man. I don’t let others try to convince me that being gay is a sin because it’s not; only man ever said it was. And I embrace everyone equally as I would want the same of myself. In other words, I practice what I preach. Unfortunately there are still two obstacles I face to walking fully out of that closet and they deal with public affection and telling brand new friends about my sexual preference.

With public affection, it’s still rare to see two men walking around holding hands or even kissing in most places in this world. Often when it does happen, it’s only in very “gay-based” areas or it’s received with jeers and taunts or even a bashing. My fear of this leads me to withhold my love and affection for my partner, even if a romantic moment should strike me when we’re out and about. Thus, on some level, I’m still in the closet with who I am because of this.

In regards to the new friends who enter my life, especially in the recovery from addictions world, I have occasionally found myself talking in third person terms about my partner using words such as “they, them, or their” instead of him or he. When I share at meetings, I usually don’t discuss anything about my personal relationship either. Most of this stems from the massive loss of friendships I’ve had over the years with people who haven’t been able to accept me for who I am. Thus here too, I’m still in the closet with who I am.

So on some level I know I’ve been in and out of the closet for years and I truly hope to one day be able to walk away from it for good. I pray for a world that doesn’t allow religious views to lead everyone to believe that being gay is wrong and a sin. I pray for a world that doesn’t look down upon two men or two women walking hand in hand together. And I pray for a world that becomes filled with a lot more love and light so that all of us who are gay can step fully out of that closet once and for all. Until then, I will continue to do my best to overcome my fears and strive for a life where I don’t find myself stepping in and out of the closet anymore.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Front-Page Treatment Of Gay Divorces

USA Today had an article on the front-page of its website the other day that was titled “First openly gay Episcopal bishop divorces husband.” After reading the first few lines of it, I began to wonder why a gay couple divorcing should even be front-page news.

Prior to gay marriage ever being legal in any of the United States, there was an average of 2 heterosexual divorces per minute when calculated out over the entire year. Rarely, if ever, did a single one of them receive front-page news unless it dealt with a famous person or couple. But here was a homosexual couple getting just that, and it’s not the first that I’ve seen in recent years. Some of the original same-sex marriages in various states where it became legal have also gone through divorce and they too made front-page headlines when it happened. So why have these very few gay divorces ended up receiving front-page treatment when the excessively large amount of heterosexual ones that are occurring every few minutes don’t?

Well in the case of the gay bishop, Gene Robinson, his original notoriety came from being the first openly gay man to be elected as a leader in the Episcopal Church in 2003. His election ending up causing a divide within the Episcopal community and resulted in formation of the Anglican Church. I remember celebrating his appointment after reading the front-page news all the years ago that covered this event. I saw it as a step forward in achieving full equality for the gay community. But zoom forward to over a decade later and now the news is focusing in on a sad time for the same man. His divorce from his partner only adds to a growing stereotype that gay marriages don’t last and this is the precise reason why many of the news outlets cover these types of divorces.

Case in point, as I mentioned already, there have been several divorces by some of those couples that fought for gay marriage rights in various states. And just as Robinson’s divorce landed front-page news, so too has each of these. The main picture that’s being painted with this is that same-sex couples aren’t strong and healthy and any of their marriages won’t last.

What’s disappointing is that there are plenty of gay marriages that have endured quite happily for years and years and are still together, but none of them have received any front-page news. The news also hasn’t covered the vast majority of the 2,400 heterosexual divorces that occur per day. So what’s the message that’s really being portrayed when the media shows another same-sex marriage is ending in divorce? It’s that a gay marriage isn’t that strong and won’t last unlike a heterosexual marriage. And although that’s a completely false representation of the real truth, it’s what people will believe.

It’s truly sad to say but people believe everything they read in those news headlines and all it does it polarize us all even more to opposite corners. The real truth is NOT that gay marriages are weak, it’s that ALL marriages BOTH gay and straight, are falling apart these days. Close to 50 percent of all marriages are ending in today’s day and age. That’s the real data and it’s not just about homosexual couples, it’s about heterosexual ones too. It has to make people wonder what the foundation was in of all of these divorcing relationships. I know it has at least in my case and I definitely know that when I get married, that my Higher Power will be at the center of it and not my ego and selfish desires.

Regardless, I pray that the media will stop covering these same-sex divorces because it’s only going to end up separating people in society with opposing opinions about equality and gay marriage. As an alternative, why not focus on all the happy marriages that have lasted for years and years, both gay and straight? Why not start covering the reasons why they have lasted so long? If we do, then maybe then we all might stop caring about whether gay marriage is right or wrong and instead place the focus on having better long lasting relationships…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson