Sometimes I find myself lately having to chuckle over the many tests the Universe continues to hand me to see if I’ve learned various spiritual lessons. One of those actually came my way just the other day when a person once toxic for me, attempted to contact me through my website.
It’s been over two years now since I last was in any physical or verbal contact with this man, whom I’ve referred to in a few of my previous articles as “John”. John was always a mirror to me for my many character defects I wasn’t able to see within myself over the course of the four years we were in each other’s lives. My addiction-prone life got the best of me back then and that consistently prevented me from truly seeing the mirror. After experiencing a long saga of fights, arguments, threats, drama, and way too much stress, I finally recognized how unhealthy and codependent our connection had become. That was when I made the decision to end the friendship, as I clearly saw how it was directly impacting my ability to spiritually grow and heal under my Higher Power’s direction.
Over the past two and a half years since then, there were times I missed the good parts of that friendship. But just like a single drink or a drug would do to me, I felt that any contact with John could drive me back down a dark path that would be completely toxic and unhealthy for me. The true test of following that belief came last week when I endured three deaths, some problems on the home front, and several physical health frustrations all at once. At my lowest moment, I received a random email from John saying hello that came through the contact form on my website. For a few moments, I debated on whether to respond to it or not, but I knew that urge was only coming from my old codependent behaviors. I didn’t respond and I’m grateful I didn’t because what I experienced over the course of the next few days reminded me all to well as to why I made the decision to end that connection in the first place.
From what I gathered, John later read my blog and found the few I had written that were about my former relationship with him. Instead of seeing those entries were about my own spiritual journey and the painful lessons I’ve had to learn along the way, he took my words personally and in a negative way. He then contacted my sister and her husband because of it. Shortly thereafter I received a very negative instant message from my sister’s husband. He was quite upset about whatever words John had shared with him. I didn’t respond because I knew in my heart that no explanation would have done any good. Two days later, I also had to work through some things with my sister as well because of John’s contact to her. It was during that conversation though; that I had to do one of those chuckles. As it was then I realized the drama I was going through was no different than how my relationship used to be with John regularly all those years ago.
The fact is that I don’t want, need, or desire any drama in my life anymore. I also don’t want to put my friends or my family in the middle of my own personal struggles with others anymore either. I’m so thankful I resisted those old codependent urges to respond to John’s email, as I know that nothing good would have come of it.
While I truly can’t say whether John has changed or not over these past few years, the toxic patterns of what happens when he and I are involved with each other on any level are still clearly evident. Returning to that connection today would be no different as compared to how things used to be back then between us. So I’m very thankful to my Higher Power for not only helping me to resist those urges, but also to see that the door is definitely meant to remain closed between John and I.
While I do truly pray for God’s love and light to fully shine on John’s life, my spiritual path is one that no longer holds a place for him on it. Sometimes the Universe really does test us to see if we’ve truly learned spiritual lessons such as this, and thankfully, I feel in this case that I have.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson