Month: October 2015

Daily Reflection

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do. Even mistakes mean you’re trying.” (Susan Gale) 

I am often my own harshest critic, constantly analyzing and assessing my life and looking at what I can do to be better. Unfortunately, what that usually translates into is me beating myself up over the slightest of things. Even worse, it frequently leads me to attach guilt to myself over many of my actions. This is of course by no means healthy for me and instead is working completely opposite of learning how to love myself unconditionally. The fact is I know I am doing my absolute best these days to grow spiritually, far more than I’ve ever used to and because of it, the person I am today, mind, body, and soul, is so much healthier. And while the rest of the world has been critical of me plenty of times along the way, I’ve come to understand the only solution is to be gentle with myself, even when I make a mistake. I still have some work to do in this area, but I recognize now that it’s far better for me to love myself and be proud of everything I’m doing, instead of beating myself up and thinking I need to try harder.

I pray that I may be gentle with myself in every area of my life and never attach guilt to any of my thoughts, words, or actions. Instead, may I love myself unconditionally through everything I do.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Seeing My Repeated Pattern With Friendships

If there was one thing I would like to have in life right now it’s a few more close friends and lately, I haven’t had much success in bringing that to fruition. I know I’ve discussed this very topic quite recently in fact, but given an incident that took place about a week ago with someone I thought I was closer to than I actually was, I felt it was rather important to revisit it again.

The reminder of this lack of closeness in my friendships came lately when a friend arrived in town that I had been talking to over the phone for most days over the past year. I was very excited to finally get some face-to-face time with him after such a prolonged period of so many in-depth phone conversations. When I inquired about whether I could have a few hours of alone time with him, apart from his family and partner, I was told he’d see what he could do and I was given a specific day to set aside. Unfortunately, he never did get back to me about those few hours I requested and when that day arrived I had set aside, I found myself feeling a little sad and hurt that we weren’t going to have any alone time. After telling him how I felt, he did put some time aside later that evening to meet with me and it was then I discovered once again that I was feeling far closer to another person than they were with me.

Sadly, this is such a repeated pattern of behavior with me over the years. I’ve honestly found myself feeling closer to a number of individuals plenty of times that I had spent considerable effort getting to know. But inevitably that has always seemed to be one-sided, meaning I’ve felt that way with them, but not them with me. It’s hard because I usually have seen the potential closeness I could have with them, yet most of the time I’m the only one doing the bulk of the work in trying to grow that friendship. And what I have at most with them instead has actually been just a casual friendship.

The fact is I think I’m likable guy and I do my absolute best these days to be there more for the needs of my friends than for myself. Unfortunately, that still hasn’t been enough to cultivate any new close friendships in recent years, which has led to a very lonely existence at times for me. Sure, I know a ton of people in the rooms of recovery from addiction and am friendly with all of them. But, what I’m looking for is something much deeper than casual friendliness.

I long to have a few connections with those who go out of there way to spend time with me, like I do with them, who treasure a spiritual connection, who maintain integrity, and are ok with truly being open and vulnerable when we hang out or communicate with each other over the phone.

Regardless, I’m still grateful for my spiritual teacher, my long standing friend from Massachusetts, and my partner, who each continue to go out of their way to really show they are there for me more than not. So while I long for having more of that with a few others in life as well, I’m going to continue trusting in God that maybe right now the only close friendships I’m meant to be working on are the ones I already have, which of course does include myself and my Higher Power… J

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Powerlessness and 12 Step Recovery

Initially, I came to the fellowship of 12 Step recovery programs because I was powerless over alcohol and drugs. But why have I kept coming back to them week in and week out, given that I no longer feel powerless over those two things?

The answer’s simple.

I’m powerless with many more things in life than just alcohol and drugs.

I’ve been powerless with my finances.

I’ve been powerless in my sex and love life.

I’ve been powerless in my relationships with friends.

I’ve been powerless with control issues.

And lately, I’ve been powerless with my health.

These are just some of the many things I’ve become powerless with in life and is precisely why I keep coming back to the rooms of 12 Step recovery programs day after day.

You see, if everyone who suffered from an addiction found total freedom from it, and never had any other issue in life after that, in other words life became perfect in every way, there really wouldn’t be any need to attend a recovery meeting or work the 12 Steps.

But the fact is so many others including myself continue to practice the 12 Steps and attend those recovery meetings because our lives aren’t perfect. And when life becomes unmanageable in some way, shape, or form for us, it’s the rooms of recovery, our sponsors, and the 12 Steps that can help guide us through those deadly pitfalls.

I was disillusioned once into thinking that I only needed to stay active in recovery to overcome my powerlessness with alcohol and drugs, but thank God I’ve learned now there’s a much greater purpose for doing so. Because by remaining active in it, anytime life sends me those trials and tribulations that often cause me to feel powerless, I at least have a fellowship and tools at my fingertips to make it through any one of them. But anytime I’ve disconnected myself from my recovery work, when those hardships in life have surfaced, I’ve always resorted to some act of self-will or defiance as soon as I begin to feel powerless.

Thus for me the answer really is that simple. I must at all costs continue to remain active in my recovery from all my former addictions because I truly don’t want to ever live in self-will or defiance again, especially the next time I’m feeling powerless over anything.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson