Month: November 2015

A Little Tidbit About Asking For Help

Sometimes it’s really hard for people to ask for help, especially when they’re new to recovery. Being that most have lived on their pride and ego for far too long, the idea of reaching out and asking for help can often feel quite foreign and too difficult to do. Ironically, I’ve never been one of those people, as I’m actually on the other side of the spectrum. From as far back as I can remember, I’ve had the tendency to ask for help way too many times, but that’s mostly because I became codependent at a very early age.

I actually learned how to be this way by watching my mother while I was growing up, as she was an overly needy person more than not. Much of that was due to the demons she hid within herself of which she never dealt with in her entire life. Sometimes she wanted help with the simplest of things and of course we always came to her aid.

During my drinking and drugging years, I leaned hard on my own codependent ways and found many a people who were more than willing to help coddle me through just about every thing I went through. Sadly, that pattern continued well beyond the day I became clean and sober from both. And what I mean by well beyond is the 12 years that I was a dry drunk.

So by the time I came into the rooms of recovery, I honestly had no problem reaching out and asking for help. Thus I had no problem picking up the phone to call someone for that help, nor did I have any problem going up to someone in a meeting and asking for it there either.

You see the issue I had in my life was with me NOT asking for help. I had become so seriously codependent that it was extremely difficult for me to go do anything on my own. Thus the path of my recovery and working the 12 Steps has been more about me learning how to be more on my own, connecting with my Higher Power, and being ok with doing much of those simple tasks in life by myself.

I’ve gotten a lot better at this in the past few years with all the health issues I’ve gone through. My trust and reliance has become more on my Higher Power than on the help of those around me, especially in the rooms of recovery. While I do still reach out at times and ask for help when I’m feeling overly troubled, I continue to work more on the not reaching out for help and instead doing that directly with my Higher Power these days. Now, my desire is to walk hand in hand with my Higher Power, asking Him for help first and foremost.

Being codependent and asking everyone else for help day in and day out really got me nowhere other than completely fearful to live my life on my own. Thank God I’ve broken free of much of that behavior and one day at a time, I’m now learning how to ask for help when my Higher Power lets me know it’s truly needed, instead of every time I feel afraid.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

When Will Loved Ones Come Back To Us In Recovery?

Many people in recovery from addiction eventually come to a place where they’ve been sober for a good while, yet they find some of their loved ones still aren’t embracing them fully and welcoming them in with open arms. The harsh truth is that it really doesn’t matter how long they’ve been clean and sober. What truly matters is how well they’re working their recovery program, but even more importantly, also allowing God to be in charge of the healing process in those loved ones.

The best example I can give with this is in regards to my sister. When I became clean and sober, I expected her a number of years later to stop treating me with kid gloves. But what I failed to realize is that not only was I not working any 12 Step program for the first 12 years of my sobriety, I was still demonstrating the same addiction-based behaviors towards her. Thus, it was no wonder why she wasn’t willing to fully embrace me.

But then I found recovery and once I did, I began working my 12 Step program diligently for two solid years. It was then she started noticing a true change with my behaviors and because of that she proceeded to open up a lot more with me. It was then I made my amends and life seemed to be bringing a brother and sister back together again. Unfortunately, I took my will back not too long after and returned to other addictions. And regrettably, I also returned to many of those character defects that those addictions bring, which of course affected her all over again.

By the time I found my way back to the 12 Steps and was working them as hard as I could, she had once again closed off much of her heart with me. When I tried to make a subsequent amends with her, her response was she’d rather me go live it. In other words walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. After another few years passed, I had done that very thing and felt my recovery program was stronger than ever. But when I saw that during many of my visits she was still treating me with those kid gloves, I demanded a reason why.

Sometimes the truth hurts and in this case it did. Because what my sister reminded me of was that she didn’t just experience five years of my drinking and drugging, she also experienced close to twenty years of my toxic addiction-based behaviors. Coming back from that takes time and that time is never in my court, it’s in God’s. And sadly, the reality is that some loved ones may never fully embrace a person recovering from an addiction again.

The bottom line is that there are loved ones who will take us back quite quickly, but then there are those who may take some time to get there. And lastly, it’s sad but true to admit that some loved ones may never come back. The only thing we can really do is work our recovery programs the best we can and to turn the rest over to God. Any attempts on our part to control the situation is only coming from our ego and will most likely just drive our loved ones away all over again.

So my advice to any of you in recovery from addiction who might be facing this very thing is this. Trust God, clean house, and help others and in doing so, there’s a good chance you’ll see many, if not most of your loved ones come back, and when they do be grateful. And if they don’t, just keep doing as best as you can and know God will handle the rest…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Unfollowing” The Masses On Facebook

Do you ever find yourself getting emotionally charged at postings that show up in your Facebook newsfeed? I certainly do, which is precisely why I was grateful when I discovered its “unfollow” feature not too long ago.

As I’m sure just about everyone already knows, if you’re friends with anyone on Facebook, the default action with their postings is to show up on your scrolling newsfeed every single day. Thus one’s newsfeed is really but the conglomeration of what each of one’s Facebook friends are placing in their timelines on a daily basis.

At first I didn’t have an issue with this. But as time went on I began to see a lot of ego, drama, and negativity in much of what people were posting. And given that the Facebook newsfeed is always the very first thing I had to see every time I logged in, it was hard not to notice this pattern.

Not being one to normally read the newsfeed anyway, I initially tried to tune that pattern out and only check the status of my automatic blog postings. But somehow something always drew me in and at some point, I found myself developing various unwanted feelings every time I chose to spend time on my newsfeed. Sometimes it was only slight irritation over what someone had posted, but other times I actually found myself feeling a lot more than that. There were moments I felt jealous or envious, depressed, or even angry and at some point I finally had enough of it. It’s then I thankfully discovered the Facebook “unfollow” feature.

Using this feature was quite easy, as all I had to do was click the “unfollow” option and I’d remain friends with the person, yet I wouldn’t have to see any of their postings. So I began to do this with those I was most emotionally charged by in what they placed out on their timelines. But with so many others still connected to me overall on Facebook, I found plenty continued to show up on my newsfeed that I had no desire to see.

While I do believe in free speech and I’m all for people having their own opinions, I’ve learned in life that it’s far healthier for me to keep the outside ego, drama, and negativity to a minimum by shielding myself from it where I can. Of course, when I’m out and about in the world, that’s pretty hard to do, but when I’m by myself on my computer or on my phone, the last thing I need to see is more of it. And while I know there are vast amounts of good things that people do put out there on their Facebook timelines, I found it was rather hard to locate them more than not. I also found myself beginning to compare myself to everyone and everything on Facebook and feeling less than because of it. This is specifically why I ended up doing the most drastic action I could next.

I unfollowed everyone I was a Facebook friend with.

It was kind of funny at first to log into Facebook after I completed this action, because my newsfeed then became totally blank, except for my own blog postings. But as time went forward for a while like this, I found that I felt so much better whenever I had to log onto the social media tool. It’s then I began to notice my mood was remaining the same after logging out, as it had been when logging in.

It’s only been in recent weeks that I started adding back a few people here and there whom I know work hard on only posting positing and uplifting messages on their timelines, like my spiritual teacher does. And while I do occasionally go look at someone’s timeline that I’m not currently following, I find this has been a far better thing for me to do than being inundated with so many postings that emotionally charged me so greatly.

And while I do gear all of my own blog postings to be more spiritually positive than anything, I know there are some out there who probably still find them emotionally charging for whatever their reasons. Hence why the “unfollow” option is such a good tool to have on Facebook because I’m sure some have chosen to unfollow me as well.

So while I may not regularly see any of the places my Facebook friends are visiting or all the things they are eating when dinging out, while I may not learn of any of their religious and political opinions or all their frustrations they have in life, while I may not catch any of their jokes or video pranks they share or any of their new pictures either, I find I’m having a greater sense of peace and serenity in my life these days because of unfollowing the masses. And to be perfectly honest, I find that’s far more important to me than becoming emotionally charged with unwanted feelings from something as simple as some Facebook postings, as doesn’t life already have enough of that for each of us?

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson