Up until just a few years ago, I spent much of my life being a people pleaser. As that, I took heed to most, if not all, comments, suggestions, and pieces of advice that came from someone else. I did this so much back then, that it got to the point where I constantly changed parts of myself regardless of how I felt inside. Because of this, I lost sight of who I was, as well as my own value and self-worth.
Putting my entire life out on this blog for the world to see has been a major step in my healing and spiritual growth with God. But at the same time, it’s also left me in quite the vulnerable position to be critiqued on a daily basis. Thankfully, the majority of any online or offline comments about my blog have been totally positive and supportive to continue doing exactly as I’m doing. Inevitably though, it was bound to happen that I’d receive a few that weren’t so favorable and instead suggested I possibly take a different direction in my writing. For as much work as I’ve done on removing that people pleasing side of my brain, those comments have challenged me to hold strong to what I’m doing and not change a single thing. A few years ago, and dating all the way back to my childhood, that wasn’t the case though.
As a kid, I people pleased my ass off, to put it bluntly. At home, I was afraid of my mother, her temper, and her alcoholism too. I did everything I could to meet her expectations because of my fear of her and even went on to a career later in life that was motivated much in part because of her pushing me into it. In my grammar schools, I wanted people to like me so I often did what people suggested of me, just to fit in. I changed the way I looked, what I wore, how I talked, what I did socially, and even of all things, the name I went by, for that reason. And frankly, as time went on, it made me sick, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I lost total sight of Andrew Arthur Dawson and instead became carbon copies of other people’s personas.
After I left home for good and graduated from college, I went on to establish a life filled with more people pleasing. Whether it was a friend or an intimate partner, I changed many parts of myself to make them happy with me. In turn, I became more and more unhappy because I kept losing sight of who I was inside. While some of that feedback I received by others may have been valuable at times and even guided me in healthier directions, it’s the fact that I went into auto-pilot as soon as I received it that became the problem. So when I heeded any words of advice that were suggested of me to change a part of myself, I’d do it without thinking just to make that person like me. And eventually, I stopped liking myself altogether and became an angry and miserable person. That all began to change about a year and a half ago when I finally put a Higher Power first in my life.
That Higher Power has led me in these past 18 months to various tasks that have helped me to figure out who I am and what I like and don’t like, because as you can see, I spent almost 39 years of my life not doing so. Writing in this blog since this past January 12th, has been just one of those tasks that has helped me out in that quest. Initially this actually started out as a homework assignment by my spiritual teacher as well as a therapist I once saw. They each suggested I journal so I took it as an opportunity to do more than the standard cookie cutter “Dear Diary…” type of thing. Instead, I began to utilize a writing skill that God has blessed me with and began placing my life experiences, my feelings, and my spiritual growth out there for everyone to see and read about. I honestly never thought anyone was going to read about my journeys in life and have been completely surprised to see how wrong I was. I’m extremely grateful for all those who have been reading these entries, especially those who may be growing spiritual themselves because of it.
As I mentioned earlier though, I was recently given a suggestion to not be so serious in my writing. But the truth is that I’m a serious writer and it’s not something I really see myself changing. Even when I speak in public for either the motivational talks I give, at recovery meetings, or in the meditations that I teach, I’m just as serious. It’s just who I am, and you know what, that’s ok for me today. And it’s ok for me to be serious. Ironically though, if you were to ask any of my friends about how I am socially, they would tell you that I can be quite witty and have often made them laugh. But in regards to my writing and speaking, each represents a much more serious side of me that haven’t yet incorporated my sense of humor into them. I’m sure one day both will, but it will happen when it’s meant to and not because of trying to people please.
I truly respect all people’s comments, suggestions, and advice, but today I know I don’t have to follow any of it if I don’t want to. To be totally honest, I’m actually grateful I received the comment from the anonymous person who suggested I not be so serious. It helped me to see how far I’ve come when I didn’t immediately jump into trying to write something that would have made them potentially happy. Instead, I wrote another serious entry about the fact that I’m not a people pleaser anymore, nor do I ever want to become one again. As my license plate currently says, BURSLF, or to spell it out, BE YOURSELF, as that’s the only person I would ever want to be today.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
