I believe that one of the most difficult things to face in life is temptation. It’s something that’s around us all the time and constantly beckons us in. It often seems to come at us in the weakest of moments and usually shows up in the least suspecting of ways. And the worst part about it is how good it feels when we give into it and how bad it feels once we’re done with it.
As defined by Wikipedia, temptation is the desire to perform an action that one may enjoy immediately or in the short term but will probably regret later for various reasons such as legal, social, psychological, health-related, economic, etc. There’s temptation for those on diets when they pass by a bakery. There’s temptation for those in monogamous relationships when they see someone extremely attractive flirting with them. There’s temptation for those newly sober when they attend their best friend’s wedding and are asked to share a drink with them. There’s temptation for those that quit smoking when they’re offered a cigar by their boss. And so on and so forth. Honestly I could probably give a million examples of the many ways that temptation rears it’s ugly face and lures us in.
In my case, alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes don’t tempt me in the least bit anymore. But there is one thing that constantly does and I think that’s because of how long I allowed myself to be drawn into that temptation. And that’s with sex. The drive to have sex is something that is a part of all of us. Unfortunately, especially in the gay male community, it’s also something that usually turns into promiscuity. Whether it exists to the same extent with the majority of the heterosexual male community I don’t know. What I do know is that from the moment I came out of the closet and began to explore my sexuality, sex was constantly being thrown in my face. No matter where I went, whether it was to the gay bars, the gay bowling leagues, the gay social clubs, or some type of other venue where a large amount of gay males were attending, it was as if sex became a natural byproduct of them all. And for the longest time, I acted out on many of those urges until it eventually became an addiction for me. By the time that happened, the Internet had emerged and became an online menu of sex for me as well. At certain points, I did grow bored with the swinging bachelor lifestyle and tried to settle down into a monogamous relationship for a period of time. Although I never physically broke my monogamy in any of them, I still gave into temptation every time that I looked at porn or fantasized about other people that I found attractive. So regardless of whether I was in a relationship or not, I consistently fell into some form of sexual temptation and felt amazingly good for a brief amount of time because of it. But a day always arrived sometime later, after giving into that temptation, when I would feel completely awful inside because of it.
The best example I can provide of my battles with sexual temptation is one I’ve already written about many times before. I spent two years of my life pursuing and engaging in a sexual relationship with a married man while I remained active friends with his wife and family. Every single time I got around him I became seriously tempted, even though I knew what I wanted to do was completely unspiritual, unhealthy, and wrong on so many levels. Sadly, I gave into that temptation over and over again because I got an extreme high off of engaging in something that I knew was so wrong. Over time though, the guilt, remorse, and shame of doing that repetitive sexual behavior grew worse and worse until I became extremely sick on all levels. That’s when I started working more deeply with my Higher Power to strengthen myself enough to resist all forms of sexual temptation. It became easy for awhile to avoid any of it because I didn’t feel well at all. But now that I’m starting to feel better, the real challenge begins. I’m noticing all the mine fields of sex that seem to be suddenly reappearing in my life now that I’m finally getting to the stage where my mind and body have healed enough from all my past transgressions. Thankfully though, my relationship with my Higher Power is helping me immensely to withstand all of them.
It’s been 18 months now that I’ve stayed monogamous on every possible level with my current partner. While that sexual temptation entices me all the time when it shows up, I can still remember all the pain, guilt, and anguish I felt afterwards from constantly going down that path. That alone makes it not worth pursuing on any level. I pray that I won’t find sexual temptation to be as much of a struggle to combat down the road like it has been for me lately. But as they say in recovery, all I have is today so the first thing I do each day is to turn this over to my Higher Power. Because of that I find it’s much easier now to avoid those people and places that might directly tempt me. And for all the others I’m not able to avoid, I ask my Higher Power for the strength to never walk down that road of sexual temptation again.
The bottom line I’m trying to tell you in all of this is that regardless of whatever temptation you may face on any given day, know that acting out and giving into it will never be worth it. While you might get an initial pay-off that feels great from engaging in it for awhile, in the long run, that pay-off will become less and less until you are left with nothing but regret from having done it at all. So maybe the question you should ask yourself the next time you’re facing any form of temptation, is whether it’s really worth pursuing when it only will bring you pain and misery down the road? If it is, then you’re a lot like I once was and are just being a glutton for punishing yourself…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson