It’s funny how the Universe has a way of aligning things for me to reflect on these days. I had a few hours to kill the other day before meeting up with a friend at a local AA meeting and decided to catch a movie during that time period. Little did I know that the movie I was about to see, Don Jon, was going to focus on the main actor’s struggle with sexual addiction, which ironically has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to face in my own life. But even more unbeknownst to me than that was the fact that the meeting I attended afterwards would focus in on a related subject with a discussion on the topic of sexual conduct.
Any deep conversations about sex are normally considered taboo and not a topic that many like to talk about unless it’s discussed with the closest of friends and loved ones, or possibly with a medical professional, therapist, or priest. So I was rather shocked when I spent almost two hours in a movie theater watching Don Jon, and then another hour and fifteen minutes later that evening in a meeting, where all the conversations in both had people talking about this subject as if it was an everyday thing to do.
In Don Jon, the lead character is of course named Jon who is played by actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Jon is strikingly handsome with a good personality who is able to get any woman he wants, but he also loves to watch pornographic material every day on his computer that even takes precedence over any of the women he meets and takes home to have sex with. That holds true as well when he meets his “10”of a woman, who represents his ideal of someone with a perfect physique. Her name is Barbara, who is played by actress Scarlett Johansson, and even though she represents his “10”, his love of porn still wins out. In short, the rest of the movie plays comedically with Jon coming to terms that his love of porn may actually be a sexual addiction that’s not very healthy for him.
I honestly didn’t want to like the movie as I watched it, probably because it reminded me too much of the years I did his same exact behaviors. Porn was one of my greatest indulgences for years because I found it to be easier to live in the fantasy that comes from it rather than the reality of the people I actually dated. By the end of the movie though as I headed to that AA meeting, I was deep in thought about all of this and realized how much I ended up liking his portrayal of sexual addiction because it was an exceptionally good one. What was uncanny though was sitting in that AA meeting not too long after this and listening to the chairperson read a few chapters out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that focused solely on looking at one’s sexual conduct. Unless I’m attending a Sex and Love Addicts based recovery meeting, I don’t normally expect to hear deep discussions about one’s personal sexual behaviors and experiences. That wasn’t the case though with this closed men’s meeting, as there I heard about all about that and how many were just like Don Jon and me.
I agree with those on one level who will say that God gave us the desire to be sexual with each other, except I’ve often thought that too many misconstrue this statement into what they feel is best for themselves. I did that for years when I looked at porn regularly and told myself it was ok because God gave me a penis and no one was getting hurt with me watching the stuff. But eventually I wanted more and that turned into me having phone sex with many people I met online who I would never meet in person. And eventually that became not enough either as it turned into me getting into one relationship after another where I told myself I wasn’t cheating when I continued looking at porn, having phone sex, or fantasizing about others. At some point that too wasn’t enough and it turned into me chasing after married or partnered people to have sex with, where I told myself it was ok because I was the single one and we were two consenting adults. The result in all of this was my sexual conduct grew so out of control that it became a sexual addiction that controlled my life.
My rule of thumb today with my sexual conduct is quite simple actually. I ask myself whether the sexual things I’m doing are bringing me any closer to God or farther away from God. And no, I’m not talking about the moments where I might go “Oh God! Oh God!” at the end of a sexual act. What I’m referring to instead is how I look to see if more love and light will be added to my heart and soul, as well as to this world, by my sexual behaviors.
I can promise you this. The more you look at any type of porn, have phone or cyber sex with strangers, hire escorts and hookers, fantasize about someone other than your partner, are promiscuous with random people, or lure a person out of their monogamous relationship to have sex with them, the more you’re going to move farther away from being filled with unconditional love and light. And the more you move farther away from being filled with unconditional love and light, the more you’re going to start developing a serious spiritual sickness. And the more you start developing a serious spiritual sickness, the more addiction prone you’re going to become like Don Jon, myself, and some of those who shared in that meeting the other night did. And the more addiction prone you become, the more you’re only going to end up destroying your own soul. So if by some chance this is the path you’re on already, ask yourself if this is how you want to end up. For your sake, I pray that’s not so…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson