Do you know what can happen to children who grow up in families that struggle to show them unconditional love on a daily basis? I do. They often become adults who don’t know how to give and receive unconditional love because it was so unfamiliar to them as a child. Some will develop codependency with anyone that shows them the least bit of love and attention. And others will place huge walls around themselves and avoid any type of deeply loving relationship. But all of this can be prevented though…and it starts with the parents…
Some of my earliest memories were of my parents constantly being busy with things when I really needed them. There were many times I wanted to have a catch or do outside activities with my father but he was often too busy with his work to make time for me. There were also many times I wanted my mother to talk with me about some of the struggles I was going through but she was often too busy as well with doing things such as watching some of her favorite television shows. Add in the fact that the both of them were untreated alcoholics and the result was a very unloving and lonely childhood for me. Thankfully today I have a few friends who are wonderful parents that I have been able to observe and understand what it would have been like as a kid to actually receive love unconditionally.
One of the first things I’ve noticed with unconditionally loving parents is the wholehearted praise they constantly give their children. In my case, I didn’t receive much of this as I grew up. Instead, I remember the many occasions where I was told my grade of a “B” in a class should have been an “A”. I remember the chores that I did having to be redone many times because I was told they weren’t done well enough. I also remember being told my finishing place in my swim races could have been better if I tried harder. Unconditionally loving parents are proud of their children for everything that try to do their best in. They would appreciate that “B”, for doing those chores, or for whatever place they finished in any type of sport.
The second thing I’ve noticed with unconditionally loving parents is the active listening they do with their children on what they are going through in life. In my case, when something such as me getting picked occurred and I came home crying, instead of being consoled I was told to stop the tears and was sent to karate class. Ironically, when I finally learned karate and became a brown belt, I hit a kid one day who was picking on me and broke my hand. And guess what, I got in trouble with my parents because of it. Unconditionally loving parents would have consoled their kid if they were picked on or beat up. In fact, these days, they might even take it to the principal at school or the families of the person(s) doing the bullying to put an end to it. In another one of my cases, I came home one day in my early teens and started crying as I told my parents that I thought I was attracted to my own sex. Sadly, it was immediately dismissed as just a phase I was going through. Today, unconditionally loving parents are embracing their children when this happens by telling them it’s ok no matter what their sexual preference is.
Some other things I’ve noticed in unconditionally loving families include:
1. Not forcing their kids to eat or drink the things they don’t enjoy consuming.
2. Not forcing their kids to wear clothing they didn’t help to pick out.
3. Making time every day to play with their children instead of telling them they’re busy.
It may seem with all of what I’ve written here that my parents weren’t so great in how they raised me. But here’s the truth, through my hard work in therapy, recovery, and spirituality, I have learned that they did the best they could given their limitations. Unfortunately, their addictions and their inner demons prevented them from ever truly becoming those unconditionally loving parents. Because of this, I grew up not knowing and understanding what unconditional love was all about. Instead, I spent much of my life clinging to people very similar to my parents who couldn’t love me at all or could only offer me love in small tidbits. And if pure love ever came my way, I ran from it because it felt completely foreign and scary. This is precisely the reason why I had so many meaningless sex based relationships throughout my life because in them, unconditional love was never present.
While I have done the work to heal from all of this and am able now to offer and receive pure love and light, there are still many children out there who are growing up in families that are seriously lacking in unconditional love, just like mine once did. Tragically, this will just lead that child to clinging or avoiding whatever love comes their way later in life. If you don’t want this to happen, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and start practicing the following four principles DAILY:
1. Praise your children no matter how small their achievements.
2. Always listen to your children when they are trying to talk to you and offer them your compassion with whatever it is, rather than your judgments.
3. Allow them to be active in the decision making with the simple things in life such as the food they want to eat or the clothing they want to wear.
4. Set aside some fun time to partake in the things your children have fun doing with you.
I’m sure you’ll find in following these principles that your children will grow up knowing how to give and receive unconditional love. And isn’t that what you would want for them???
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
