Just the other day, an adult gay male whom I know relatively well, started up a conversation with me about his dating woes. His main frustration stemmed from a first date experience he had with another man a few evenings prior. As he described that evening, I could tell his main angst was over the fact that he had engaged in sex at the end of that date and the other person hadn’t contacted him back since. Sadly, his story is not unlike so many others that happen in the gay community.
Too many gay men feel it’s important to explore the sexual realm with a potential suitor prior to really getting to know anything else about them. They repeat this behavior over and over again without ever finding any real deep connection with another male. I inquired on why the adult male I was talking with has the tendency to sleep so quickly with anyone he goes out on a date with and his answer only confirmed what I already knew. The sex, how good the other man is in bed, and their endowment were all at the top of his requirements list for a future partner. When I suggested that he might have better success in his quest to find a partner by going out with someone for a few months prior to ever engaging in sex, he scoffed at the idea. He responded to my suggestion by saying it wouldn’t be worth it if the day came to have sex with the person and they were terrible in bed or had a tiny apparatus.
It really is sad that this gay man, and so many others, feel this way. Most of them end up remaining single and go from one sexual experience to another never finding any real deep connection or love. What none of them realize is that true longevity in relationships comes from getting to know someone first and developing a friendship with them prior to entering that sexual realm. In regards to those people who insist on entering the sexual realm so quickly, most are only interested in the high that comes from the sex and usually aren’t looking to pursue a deep relationship. The people my casual gay friend is looking for who want to create a deep, long lasting relationship are most often the ones who abstain from sex in the early stages of dating. So in other words, my friend is only going to keep finding the same people much like himself who are out there going on a few dates with someone, having sex, and then quickly moving on to another.
Thankfully, none of that behavior was ever my style, but on the rare occasion I ever let it be, I always felt so dirty inside afterwards, so eventually I stopped doing that completely. God has helped me to see over the years that true love and happy relationships aren’t based around great sex. While sex of course is a wonderful way to express love in a deep connection, without the love it’s nothing but a friction based action between two people and a feeling of temporary pleasure.
My relationship with my partner today is not one based on sex. It didn’t begin based around sex and in fact, sex never even happened until over three months had passed with me getting to know him better. I feel sad for my casual friend who is so blind right now to seeing the cause of his dating woes is actually himself. If he could just change his priorities and start working on getting to know someone for awhile, he may find himself one day falling naturally in love just like I did with my partner. Until then, the tragic truth is that he will probably just keep going from one bad dating experience to another where the best thing that happens in any of them is a few moments of enjoying sexual lust.
I am grateful that God has shown me the best recipe for finding a successful relationship and it’s rather simple. If you meet someone you like, try dating them platonically for awhile. You may actually find out you really don’t like them before ever even engaging in sex with them. Or even better, you may find out as time passes, that the two of you are falling deeply in love. And if that starts to happen, the best part about it is that any sexual intimacy that occurs now is only going to bond your souls that much closer together. At least in that case, neither of you will be off and running anymore to another bad date with nothing to show for it but some potential good sex.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson