Many, many decades ago, Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, approached his wife Lois in complete distress. He complained to her about how frustrated he was becoming in his apparent lack of success of those he was trying to help get sober. Her response was one he couldn’t refute though when she indicated it was keeping him sober and how that was just as important. Nonetheless, the heartache that Bill had way back then with those he tried to sponsor is something I share in common with him.
Sponsorship of another, especially a newcomer fresh off their addiction, can be extremely tough. Many aren’t even close to being ready for the amount of work involved to find true recovery from their disease when they first arrive. Often they will take a few of the suggestions, such as getting a sponsor and going to meetings regularly, but sadly they frequently end up throwing the rest away. One of those that I suggest and have as a part of my own sponsorship protocol is that they contact their sponsor every single day for a quick check-in.
A daily phone check-in from every sponsee is something that I learned from my first sponsor. She asked me to pick up the phone daily and call her solely to let her know that I was ok and how my recovery was on that day. At first, I balked at the idea like I’m sure so many of her other sponsees had done at one time or another. But when she explained the importance of doing this, it made a lot more sense. If I couldn’t do this simple action or if I completely forgot to do it, then the reality was that my thoughts were probably not on sobriety and recovery that day. While I did end up calling her each and every day for over a year, I eventually slacked off and that’s about the same time that I began engaging in other substitute addictions. Thankfully I didn’t relapse back into my alcoholism and drug addiction, but I almost did as so many others do.
Recently, I was sponsoring someone who was struggling with many of my suggestions and requirements of sponsorship. He questioned much of the process I laid out for his recovery but I’ve come to learn that this is no different than how I was when I first found the 12 Steps. I proceeded forward with him anyway, placing all my heart into the work with him. After a week of getting his phone check-ins and hitting several meetings with him, the calls ended and he disappeared. After several attempts to get a hold of him, I learned from someone else that he had relapsed and was back out in the full throngs of his addiction once again.
Sadly, he’s just one of many I’ve sponsored who have done this. Most have lasted with me for just several weeks, while some have gone on for several months. But only two of them went on for beyond a year and ironically those two still remain clean and sober to this day. The rest, unfortunately, are still out there shooting up, getting drunk, and slowly killing themselves. And regrettably, most of them won’t ever make it back.
I had to tell myself a long time ago that I can only do my best to help pass on my experience, strength, and hope to every one of the people I sponsor. Whether they follow my suggestions and do the work is something that’s out of my control though. I really do place my heart into sponsorship and I love each and every individual I try to help. That’s what makes this process so difficult.
Seeing a sponsee relapse, watching them disappear, and often never hearing from them again does cause me a tremendous amount of heartache. While that heartache is frequently difficult to deal with, it hasn’t stopped me from putting my hand out to help another. That’s only because of what Lois Wilson said all those years ago. Sponsoring another does help keep a person clean and sober as it has for me, and I have an incredible amount of gratitude to my Higher Power for that…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson