Month: September 2014

The One Two Shuffle

I used to do the One Two Shuffle for a very long time when it came to the 12 Steps. What I mean by that is the dance I once did with myself over and over again with Step 1 and 2, solely because my lack of willingness kept preventing me from going beyond them.

When it came to Step 1, I never had much difficulty admitting I was powerless over alcohol, drugs, or any of my other addictions, or even admitting that my life had become unmanageable from them as well. I think that’s because the pain they created within me when I did them left enough bad memories to last a lifetime. Each of those terrible memories has consistently been a great catalyst to helping me continue practicing this step perfectly.

When it came to Step 2, it wasn’t much of a stretch for me to practice it either. I think I’ve always believed there was some type of a Higher Power out there who could restore me to sanity, especially from a life of addiction. That’s mostly due to the fact I grew up with such a religious background. So while I may have always believed there was something greater than myself out there who could help me, my problem was with what came next in the 12 Steps and that was Step 3.

In Step 3, we’re asked to make a decision to turn our will and life over to the Higher Power we found in Step 2. The issue I kept facing in this was two-fold. First, I didn’t know whether my Higher Power was unconditionally loving or of the punishing variety. So the idea of turning my will and life over to a harsh God never seemed all that appealing to me. Thus I became afraid for quite a while that if I did, I’d be reprimanded for all the bad things I had done in my addiction-fueled life. And second, there were some parts of my addictive personality I just didn’t want to give up because I liked their short-term benefits too much. In the process, these two things only caused me to lack enough willingness necessary to go beyond the first two steps.

So I ended up spending the first 12 years in sobriety, and maybe even a few more, learning that One Two Shuffle pretty well because of this deficiency in willingness. Unfortunately, that greatly hindered my growth in recovery until I was able to find more of it. While I might have practiced those first two steps with such proficiency, the ten others I avoided for years and years were the ones that eventually would help me find the recovery I desperately needed.

The bottom line is that I grew sicker in sobriety before I got better because of doing that One Two Shuffle more than not. I know now that Bill Wilson didn’t create Two Step Recovery, he created Twelve Step recovery, but I allowed my ego to convince me otherwise until my pain became great enough. And when it did, I finally found enough willingness to move forward in the steps. I also no longer had the desire to engage in any part of my addictive personality. But most importantly, I discovered an unconditionally loving Higher Power who led me back onto a path of recovery that thankfully I’m still on today…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Buying Your Friends

Has your self-worth and self-esteem ever gone so low that you resorted to buying your friends?

Sadly, I can answer yes to this question, but I learned a very valuable lesson in being this way for years. Anyone who allows themself to be bought time and time again, were really never a friend to start with.

The image I like to paint most often of this is of the barfly who has money to spend every night they go out on the town. Week in and week out they frequent some establishment buying round after round of drinks for various people. They become quite popular with the other patrons so much so that the stools around them are rapidly occupied each time they are there. There never seems to be a dull moment in their life at any of the places they go out for a drink and conversations always appear to be plentiful to them. But one day when their money runs out, they head out to one of those bars only to find once there, that they’re sitting alone and completely friendless.

I remember those days when I’d regularly say “The drinks are on me!” and I was instantly surrounded with loads of people who wanted to spend time with me. Unfortunately, I never got to learn the lesson that barfly learned during my own days of drinking, as I never ran out of money like they did. When I became clean and sober, my self-esteem and self-worth were so low that I honestly believed I didn’t have much to offer someone to want to be my friend. Much of that related all the way back to me being the nerd that no one ever wanted to be around in my early grammar school years. Regrettably, I’d go on for a very long time after this finding innumerous ways to buying my friends.

Whether it was constantly paying for someone’s dinners or movies, or taking someone on an all-expense paid vacation, or giving frequent gifts to someone, or loaning money to someone who I knew was never going to pay me back, or having sex with someone I really didn’t even like in that way, it became a habit to buy my friendships in ways just like these, all because I had such an incredibly low self-esteem and self-worth. And when each of my parents died and left me some inheritance money, this habit only grew worse.

I’m not exactly sure when it was that I fully woke up to the fact that many of the “friendships” I thought I had were actually not friends at all. If I had to guess, it was probably during the time I was hanging out with this Harley-Davidson biker guy. During that period, my mental and emotional health deteriorated greatly and the only things I received from this friend while that was happening were either criticisms of my state of health, demands for free meals, or requests for money to borrow. When I refused to offer anything except my company, he was consistently nowhere to be found.

Thankfully all of that led me to finally work on my low self-esteem and low self-worth enough to the point where I learned how to unconditionally love myself. Because of that, I now enjoy spending time alone and don’t feel the need to do things anymore such as buying my friends. While I may not have too many of them in my life at the present time, I believe the few who are there treasure my soul and my company more so than anything.

So if you happen to be someone like I once was, who is regularly buying your friends, you may want to take a moment, breathe, and start working on improving your self-esteem and self-worth. As the more you do, the more you will find yourself unconditionally loving that which you see in the mirror every single day. And the more that continues to happen, the more you’ll find friends coming into your life, not because you’re buying their friendship, but because your heart and soul is that amazing they are drawn to that and that alone.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“If I Were…”

I decided to be my inner child today and write a fun entry from his perspective. I really believe it’s truly important on all of our spiritual journeys in life to never neglect the little boy or girl that lives inside each and every one of us. So today I’m honoring my own by allowing “Andy” to write about something he likes to do quite often and it’s titled “If I were…”

If I were a butterfly, I’d land on someone who looks totally sad hoping only that it might cheer them up.

If I were indestructible, I’d try to save as many people as I can from the increasing violence on our planet.

If I were a tree, I’d want to know if I feel pain when people carve things into me or chop me down.

If I were an animal in a zoo, I’d be one that makes people giggle and laugh by doing funny things.

If I were the weather, I’d be a permanent rainbow because they usually create a lot more hope and joy in this world.

If I were a bird, I’d like to finally know what all their chatter is about when they sit in a tree in huge numbers.

If I were an insect, I’d be a honeybee because there doesn’t seem to be many of them left.

If I were a flower, I’d be a birds of paradise because they always remind me of me, tall and goofy looking.

If I were a cat or a dog, I’d have an owner that I could teach them a thing or two about unconditional love.

If I were able to remove anything in this world, I’d get rid of hate because all it seems to do is create more of it.

And…

If I were to tell Andrew Arthur Dawson one thing today, I’d tell him I love him and give him my thanks…because he no longer ignores me nor is he doing those addictions anymore that caused him to forget about me in the first place.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson