I’m going to admit the truth. I have a lot of doubt in God’s plan for me right now. Given how long my suffering has been, not just for a season, but many seasons, and many years of seasons. Lately, I’ve been questioning why I’m even here anymore and am wondering if any of you have ever felt this way?
I often think of Job from the Bible these days and can totally relate to his story. Having lost his livelihood, his family, and his health, Job spent his days picking at open sores, questioning his existence and cursing the day he was born. And man, can I relate!
Sadly, Job’s friends only mourned with him for a week in his suffering, and then proceeded to offer him all the reasons why they thought he was going through his ordeal. Rather than continue to sit with him and just be there for support, their opinions only made Job feel worse, and boy, can I relate to that as well!
All Job wanted was God to answer him and his prayers. He really wanted nothing more than for God to let him know if there was something he did to deserve his suffering. Truly, he just wanted an answer, some answer, any answer. But he got none and he began to doubt because of it.
Eventually though, in the story of Job, God finally did speak and when God did, God told all the friends of Job how misguided their advice was and then told Job it wasn’t his place to question God. But, because Job kept his faith in God, even through all his suffering and all the misguided advice he got from his friends, all of his losses were restored.
Man, do I pray for that day! I hope and long for the day where I actually find myself smiling from my heart, from joy, and from feeling lighter. But, unfortunately, any smiles for me in life lately are rather fake and forced.
To live the life I have is not one I’d wish upon anyone.
Yet, even in the midst of all my suffering, I continue to believe God has a plan for me, one that includes feeling a lot more joy and peace than the mere milliseconds I’ve experienced of it over the past few years. But yet, I still have doubt and really wish I could remove all of it from me.
So many Christians have told me to go to scripture. But honestly, it hasn’t comforted me much in the six devotionals I read each day that use the Bible.
Friends keep telling me to go help another and I do, but honestly, I feel like I’m just doing it now because it’s the right thing to do, yet I’m not feeling any better because of it whatsoever.
My partner, my sister, and my best friend Cedric all tell me to keep trusting and remain still and have been over the past few years, yet I’m not sure if I have any gas left in me.
If I knew I could go to a better place by taking my life, I totally would. Yet, I fear what’s beyond this life if I took that action, so I never consider it and instead, find solace in Job, as I too have been picking lately at all the sores and pimples and bumps that have been showing up on my body as of late.
Do you think this makes me less of a spiritual human being because I am questioning God’s plan for me? Because I am doubting God?
It is said that all who embark upon a journey to find a deeper relationship with God encounter a vast desert like the one I feel like I’m in right now. But honestly, I don’t know the truth of anything right now other than I long for God’s presence, God’s grace, God’s peace, God’s joy, and God’s anything.
There is nothing more in this world I want than to feel something from God and so I wait, because what the world offered me throughout this life thus far has been waning and unfulfilling. Yet, for all the moments I’ve felt God in my life, or what I perceive has been God, has been far more fulfilling than even the breath I take in my lungs as I type these very words.
Nevertheless, yes, I doubt God and I think that’s ok. I am choosing to accept that God understands this and that it’s part of every spiritual human being’s journey here on Earth at some point or another. I guess right now it’s my turn to be in the dark, but I remain faithful that one day, the brightness will return and when it does, there will be a lot more of God, and a lot less of me…
Peace, love, light, and joy
Andrew Arthur Dawson