Month: June 2014

“So What’s Your Favorite Movie???”

“So what’s your favorite movie???”

I must be asked that question at least once a week and its answer is something that’s changed greatly for me over the years. I know the reason for that is solely due to one thing, my spirituality.

My spirituality today comes from so many things and movies happen to be one of them. For those that don’t know this about me, I’m an incredibly avid fan of watching them on both the big screen and the little one at home. I’ve been that way since I was quite young and it’s a given that I head to the theater these days at least once a week, sometimes even twice, to see one of the latest that’s opened. At home, I’ve also amassed a huge collection of them that’s now totaling over 700. So I’m guessing from that information alone, you can obviously see how much I really love movies.

As my spiritually has grown in recent years though, so has my tastes in the movies I go see at the theater or purchase for home. While I used to love the blood and guts of horror movies and the huge body counts in action films, I find them far less appealing today. My go to genre is a toss up now between science fiction and romance, but a close second is any type of drama flick in general. But looking back on the various phases of my life, I find it fascinating to see how much my answer to that original question I posed has changed.

In my grade school years, I probably would have said my favorite film was a James Bond one, most likely, A View To A Kill. By the time I got to college, I was a huge Arnold Schwarzenegger fan and when Terminator 2 got released in 1991, I thought it was the best movie ever. That changed after graduating when I saw a movie in 1996 that scared the bejesus out of me. Its title was Scream and it, along with its sequel in 1997 quickly became my new favorites. That all changed though when I saw The Matrix in 1999. Ironically, it was around the same time I saw this movie where I had begun a holistic healing path in life. It was then my spirituality really began to evolve and I felt The Matrix was truly all about that same thing. But as the new millennium came and went, so did what I called my favorite movie. Sometimes it was Harry Potter, other times it was The Fast And The Furious, and more than not it was something superhero related like X-Men. While I still had a broad range of movies I saw and bought, the common theme I liked most throughout them all was always the good versus evil concept.

Looking at the whole collection of movies I own, I can see how the majority of them deal with this. As my spirituality has progressed, I’ve come to believe that life is all about good versus evil, or if you prefer, light versus dark. There are many things in this world that are filled with great light. But sadly, there are just as many things in this world that are filled with darkness too. Living as an addict was just one example of when I was actually living in the dark.

I don’t like watching movies anymore that are filled with that darkness unless the light wins out in the end. So maybe that’s why my favorite movie today is really not about this type of battle at all, it’s about the one thing we’re all meant to share with each other unconditionally in this world, and that’s love. While it initially wasn’t at the top of my list for many years, I find myself watching this movie over and over again, year after year. It’s title? Serendipity. And it’s all about finding true unconditional love by chance and how that type of love when found is priceless.

So yes, my favorite movie today is a chick flick, go figure, but I’ll continue to treasure it anyways. While I’m sure there will be plenty of other movies along the way that I’ll enjoy just as much, I know at least with this one that my heart always moves immensely when I watch it time and time again. And that alone is the sole thing I seek on my spiritual journey today, with that being to remain in my heart.

I truly hope you enjoyed learning a little more about my love of movies and what my favorite one currently is. I decided it was best to end this article in the same way I began it, but hoping now that each of you will take the time to respond with an answer of your own.

“So what’s your favorite movie???”

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Negative Nancy” And “Gloomy Gus”

Hopefully no one reading this has the first names of Nancy or Gus, but if you do, this article really isn’t about you. It’s about how I spent several decades of my life with two very distinct personalities, “Negative Nancy” and ‘Gloomy Gus”. In all essence, they truly were my best friends for all that time. That was until I finally saw how they did nothing more for me than drive people away and hinder my spiritual growth.

I believe we all learn how to be a certain way because of conditions and situations that carry on around us. In my case, growing up in a dysfunctional home where my mother and father always seemed to be negative and gloomy, it’s a safe bet to say I learned it from them. But why would anyone want to be this way you might ask? It’s pretty simple.

It initially will draw favorable attention and comfort from others.

Neither of my parents received the unconditional love and support from their parents, which they deserved when they themselves were growing up. By the time they reached adulthood and met each other, alcohol further complicated and numbed that reality. I can remember many moments where my mother would resort to that insecure little girl within her who desperately wanted to be loved and have all attention on her. Being negative and gloomy were the two main ways she was able to achieve that, as my father, sister, or myself would comfort her when she became that way. It was no different with my father either. He would go through many periods where he became the same exact way and my mother, my sister or myself would bring him the reassurance his insecure little boy sought. Sadly, being around this repeatedly for all those years and seeing how it gave my parents some benefit, “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus” got passed down to me.

I began to notice these two best friends were in my life through many of the friendships I drew in over the years as I matured. They say that those closest to us are often mirror projections of whom we really are inside. In almost every single case, every friend I spent the most time around carried that same rain cloud over them just like I did. Unfortunately, all those friendships ever did was foster codependent behaviors. It often became a battle of whose insecurity was greater, and whoever won did the comforting for the other’s negativity and gloom.

My addiction-prone life, the tragic loss of my parents, and various health-related issues, would only complicate and strengthen my belief that I needed “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus” to survive in this world. As they continued to give me the attention and comfort my own insecure little boy sought, I never understood why so many left my life after such a short period of time of being in it. That was until I realized how much my negativity and gloom sucked the life force out of those I was around, out of the rooms I was in, and out of the brightness that existed everywhere I went. Eventually anti-depressants and mental health medical diagnoses became part of what supported Nancy and Gus.

All of this accumulated until I spent four close years with someone who was the exact mirror projection of myself. I saw “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus” day in and day out in them. I attacked them repeatedly because of it, never realizing I was the same exact way. It wasn’t until I became willing to look in the mirror and see who I had become (my parents), did any of that change.

Through immersion into 12 Step recoveries, I drew closer to my Higher Power who helped me to finally see this within myself. I finally understood how this was a huge character defect within me that had supported me for so long. Over the past two and a half years, it’s been a huge undertaking to fully remove this defect of character.

I’m a lot better today because of the work I’ve put into letting go of “Negative Nancy” and “Gloomy Gus”. They are showing their faces less and less within me because I know now they will do nothing more for me than keep me spiritually frozen and alone. Thankfully, I find people being drawn into my life now, not because I’m being negative or gloomy, but because my Higher Power is transforming me into a spiritual beacon of complete love and light…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Double Life Of An Alcoholic

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.” (p. 73, 4th edition Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

I was living a double life up until only a few years ago. I was often such a fake, a charlatan, or a magician at best. The illusion I portrayed outwardly for everyone to see, especially in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, was usually quite elaborate. Although I was truly clean and sober from alcohol and drugs during all those days, I was still lying to my Higher Power, myself, and everyone else as well because of what I was doing when no one was watching me.

The true test of a person’s recovery from addiction really is best seen by how they live their life outside the meeting rooms, as that’s when no one is really watching them. I understood that so well that for years I did exactly what I was supposed to do in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so no one really knew how much of a sham I was.

I’d go to those AA meetings diligently.

I’d check in and do weekly work with my sponsor.

I joined a home group and got active.

I helped many newcomers through sponsorship.

And at the podium, I even learned how to present my story in such a way that it was very inspirational for others.

But deep down inside I didn’t deserve any of the accolades I got quite often from doing all of that. That’s only because the life I was living outside the recovery world was completely opposite of what I was portraying in it.

To put it bluntly, outside the recovery world, I was a backstabbing, character assassinating, gossiping, 13th stepping, dry drunk who was active in plenty of other addictions.

While a good portion of my days might have been filled with positive 12 Step work, the rest of it was self-seeking to the max. I was addicted to porn, sex, had love obsessions that were really just lust, and was extremely codependent upon others. I told white lies regularly and was angry and resentful at the slightest thing. I’d also regularly ditch plans with one friend solely to be with another because of them having something more to offer me. While my recovery world persona showed strength and confidence, my non-recovery world showed insecurity, doubt, and fear on a consistent basis.

Eventually all my deception revealed itself though, and that happened when I landed in a mental hospital for a good number of days. I had thought of myself as such as great actor, but instead I had become completely washed up, no longer able to sustain the double life.

Through hard work, a closer relationship to my Higher Power, and turning my will ENTIRELY over, I began working on removing that double life. Eventually, the day arrived when I starting realizing the person I was in the recovery rooms was actually the same outside of them as well. I saw how the words I was speaking with such passion in the meetings and to sponsees, was the same ones I was practicing throughout my entire life.

I live my recovery program from addictions 24/7 now, whether someone is watching me or not. I also have a much better reputation today both in the recovery world and outside of it too, and I actually do feel like I deserve that today. But I give all that credit to my Higher Power, as I know if it weren’t for God, I’d still be doing my best to be that actor who was living a double life and dying inside. Thank God that’s not who I am today…and hopefully it’s not you either…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson