Month: June 2014

Groundhog Day, Edge Of Tomorrow, And Do-Overs

I can’t imagine what it would be like having to relive any of my days over and over and over again. Truth be told, I’d probably initially have some fun with it, but eventually I think life would get pretty mundane. Groundhog Day starred Bill Murray and was the first movie I ever saw that portrayed someone having to live with this do-over concept. Edge Of Tomorrow is a more recent one that starred Tom Cruise and it too portrayed this repeat day syndrome, but in a totally different way

With Groundhog Day, Bill Murray works as a weatherman who’s forced to do his job at the annual winter festival in Punxsutawney, PA. The last place he wants to be is there so he quickly hurries through his required duties and attempts to head out of town as soon as they’re complete. Unfortunately, his team hits a freak snowstorm that has shut down the only highway out of town thus forcing him to return to the town he despises. Upon awakening the next morning, he quickly finds it’s still yesterday and begins the first of many repeat days to come. At first Murray is extremely sarcastic about what’s happening to him and does his best to poke fun at what he’s going through. He also starts taking advantage of others, knowing what’s going to happen. It’s not very long though, before he begins to grow bored with this. His mental states then shifts to that of trying to off himself in various ways, all of which are to no avail. Murray’s salvation from his insanity and sheer frustration comes eventually, when he begins to change his stripes by doing good deeds throughout each day. Throughout it all, he starts to fall for his co-worker and realizes that he must become a more selfless person if he’s ever to gain her affection. Groundhog Day is near the top of my list of movies I find most inspiring and it’s one I always feel so much better inside after watching it. After seeing Edge of Tomorrow, I have to say the feeling was quite similar.

In it, Tom Cruise is a Major in the United States military who’s summoned to take his media filming job to the front lines by a General overseeing an alien war. Having never seen any combat, Cruise attempts to blackmail the General to get out of being on the front lines. Instead, the General places him into custody and reduces him to a private where his only task is to fight in a super-soldier outfit alongside many other doomed soldiers. On his first day in combat, Cruise kills one of the aliens and somehow hijacks its ability to repeat each day. Like the progression of Bill Murray’s character in Groundhog Day, Cruise goes through something very similar. At first he tries to convince everyone what’s happening to him, but no one listens. After some time passes, he begins to learn how to be more skillful in battle and in doing so discovers a woman who once had the same ability as him. As he commences to forge a relationship with her while trying to find a way to win the war, Cruise’s character goes through a similar redemption of character like Murray did in Groundhog Day. And it’s one that sees Cruise’s stripes slowly change from that of a coward to one of a selfless hero.

In the end, what I found most inspiring about Groundhog Day and Edge of Tomorrow is the growth Bill Murray and Tom Cruise went through from selfish to selfless. While I haven’t been repeating the same day over and over again like they did in their movies, I have been experiencing a similar transformation over the past few years. When my physical pain began back in 2010, I stayed extremely selfish and kept on doing the same behaviors that I always did. As time passed and my pain didn’t end, I began to look at my life and saw how selfish and self-centered I was with everything I did. Through trial and error, hard work, and recovery, my Higher Power has helped me to change my own stripes to one that is much more selfless today.

I’m actually very thankful that I haven’t had to repeat the same day again and again because at least in my case, there’s always been something new to experience each and every day. For Bill Murray and Tom Cruise, that wasn’t the case, but they still were able to transform themselves in the end.

Hopefully I will never have to live in any type of a do-over type day, but if I do, I can promise you this. The only way I could survive repeating day after day would be to live as selflessly as much as possible. As only then could I keep my sanity, like I still have to do in life with all the pain I live with each and every day until my Higher Power says otherwise…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

One Addict’s Temptations

A common misconception for those who are new to 12 Step recovery programs is that that won’t ever be tempted to go back to their addiction(s) after enough sober time passes. Unfortunately, that’s quite far from the truth.

This upcoming week will be my 19th year clean and sober from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I’ve also gone for more than two years now free of caffeine and sex and love addiction based behaviors as well. But regardless of whatever sober length of time I’ve had under my belt, I’ve only ever been one slip away from fully going back to any of those former addictions.

While on most days I don’t think about engaging in any of them anymore, there are still some when I do. This past Saturday was one of them and I’m sure it had a lot to do with the atmosphere I was around. I spent the day at a local downtown festival where there was a high level of partying going on. While the majority of the festival was focused on house tours, yard sales, foods, and arts and crafts vendors, there was also a vast amount of drinking also taking place. On top of that, I spent the day at this festival with a friend of mine who’s also very attracted to me. Although no boundaries were broken on Saturday, and no one put a drink in my hand, or even offered me one either, just being in that atmosphere placed me in some energy that tempted me back towards my addictions.

It really is true when people say that you become who and what you hang around regularly. Although I enjoy festivals and spending time with a few friends who find my attractive, I know I couldn’t do either on any type of a regular basis. Being around either definitely tempts me to go back to old behaviors. On an occasional basis, my recovery is strong enough today to be around situations like this. But I know that if I increased the frequency of me going to festivals, parties, or hanging out with people who find me attractive, it could lead me back into my addictions.

The fact is, when I used to hang around festivals, bars, or house parties regularly, I drank and drugged regularly. When I used to hang around people who found me attractive regularly, I became promiscuous regularly. But when I finally found recovery and began hanging around recovery-based people regularly, I began recovering a lot more regularly. And that’s when I saw I needed to place a little more distance between myself, and those things that tempted me into my addictions.

As my length of sobriety and recovery increased, I realized that there were going to be times that I couldn’t always be completely free of temptations. So I learned how to be around alcohol or people who found me attractive by strengthening my recovery and my relationship with my Higher Power. Doing both on a regular basis definitely sustains me now when those temptations occasionally arise in life, like they did this past weekend.

As I drove home from that festival this afternoon, I actually had thoughts about drinking some caffeine, stopping at a bar, doing something sexual, and driving recklessly in my sports car. I believe all of those thoughts stemmed from being in the atmosphere I had been in the entire day. Thankfully, I did none of the above, but it was strong reminder that I’m always going to be tempted to go back to my old addictions.

I’m so grateful that my recovery and my relationship with my Higher Power are so strong these days. I know that’s precisely the reason why I didn’t give into those temptations this past Saturday. While I believe it’s not possible for a recovering addict to be completely free from all temptations for the rest of their life, having a strong program and a close connection to a Higher Power is critical to dealing with them when they do arise. I’m thankful I have both and that I’m still clean and sober from all my former addictions…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The True Source Of Abuse

I went to a recovery meeting today and watched as a woman poured out her heart about her abusive husband and how she feels completely unattractive and unloved. Listening to her words reminded me so much of how I once felt in many of my past relationships. As this woman proceeded to cry and say she didn’t know what to do anymore, my first thought was wondering why she hasn’t ended that relationship. But then I remembered how I too once remained in several toxic ones for years until I got to the source of why I was even in them in the first place.

The first relationship I ever had to anyone in my life that was quite similar to what this woman described was with my mother. Today, I unconditionally love my mother, but for the longest time I didn’t. Growing up, I never felt like I could do anything right around her. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough so I constantly strived to do better and reach perfection hoping that would make her happy. It never did.

As I proceeded into my adult years, I dated or became friends with many people who basically were just like my mother. This caused me to get into many arguments with each of those individuals, but what I never realized back then was how much that was due to the fierce anger and resentments I was holding onto inside with my mother.

So each time I would scream and yell, or cry and feel depressed over how I was being treated in any of those former relationships, it was really about my mother and never about them. When I finally began working on letting all of the sick parts of my mother go from within me, I was able to see that. But something even better started happening because of that internal work. I began to let go of all of the toxic people in my life who were only mirrors of my mother. In other words, the more I let the pain go surrounding my mother’s abuse, the stronger I got in my life. And the stronger I got in life, the more I was able to say goodbye to all those individuals who were unhealthy just like my mother.

I don’t allow any abusive people to come into my life anymore nor do I harbor anger or resentments anymore towards my mother either. I’m also able to see the spiritual sickness now that abusive people have inside them like my mother once did. This helps me to have a lot more compassion now for people like them because of it. But all of this has helped me to have compassion for something else as well.

Whenever I see someone allowing any type of abuse in their life these days, like that woman in my recovery meeting today, my heart truly feels for them. I do always wonder though who originally abused them when they were a young kid and can only hope that they too one day will find healing from it.

No one deserves to be abused in life and sadly, abuse often leads people to feel unattractive and unloved. The only way to overcome this is to get to the source of where this pattern of allowing abuse originally began. Once it’s identified, the process of healing from it can begin. Eventually, when enough love, forgiveness, and peace is able to surround that original abuse, it’s a safe bet to say that one will never allow abuse in their life again…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson