Month: October 2013

Have you ever faced serious sexual temptation with someone else while you were already in a monogamous relationship? If you answered with a yes, then my real question for you is how did you handle it when it happened?

Facing temptation is unfortunately, a fact of living life. I wrote about this recently with some of the unhealthy temptations I have already faced in life. But most recently, I met someone who was the first real test to the stability and strength of not only the relationship I have with my current partner, but especially the one I have with myself. And I believe how I handled it showed my Higher Power that I finally have learned the lesson, as the first time I ever faced it, I didn’t fare so well. That was thirteen years ago.

Back then, I began a seven year relationship with someone who I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. One day though, several years into that relationship, I met someone else I was very attracted to, who had similar qualities to that partner. I thought it would be harmless to establish a friendship with them as long as I kept certain boundaries. Occasionally I would flirt and have sexual banter with them through random e-mails and phone calls. And for a short while, this went on where I thought nothing bad was coming of it. What I didn’t realize was how much this was totally undermining the relationship I was already in. Each time any differences or arguments arose between that partner and me, I would run to this other person I was smitten with to talk about what happened and receive their comfort. Eventually, all of that drove me one day to leaving that partner for this other person. And sadly, that new relationship only lasted two months. When the former partner took me back in shortly after that, things were never the same and we parted ways for good only a year later.

I’m convinced that there are dark forces at work out there in this world that we can’t necessarily see, which like to tempt us and tear apart anything we have that’s filled with love and light. I believe that’s what happened all those years ago when I attempted to juggle the friendship with that person I was seriously attracted to, while being in a monogamous relationship. The connection I have with my Higher Power today has helped me to see how I never should have opened the door in the first place and created a friendship like that outside the monogamous relationship.

I think it’s relatively easy though to find oneself getting into this type of a situation. Take two people who have been together for awhile. Usually they don’t have the huge sparks and pheromones raging like when they first met. And one day someone else comes along who catches the eye of one of these two people. They then discover the attraction is mutual and suddenly there are sparks and pheromones raging again reminding the person how it once felt. Suddenly they remember they’re already in a relationship and that’s the precise moment they realize they have two choices. They could (1) establish a boundary right off the bat by saying they’re already in a relationship and walk away. Or they could (2) engage in conversation with that person allowing themselves to be drawn further into those pheromones. The unfortunate demise for someone who takes the second choice is that it becomes harder and harder to walk away from that level of intensity the more they engage in it. I am a walking example of someone who took that second choice one too many times in life and paid its consequences. Somehow I just kept avoiding learning this lesson.

Whether people agree with me or not, I believe the Universe tests us to see if we have learned the lessons we have faced previously in life. I also believe that we continue to face those lessons again and again until we pass the test. In my case, as I mentioned earlier, I met someone recently where there were definitely some sparks and pheromones raging. While I wasn’t perfect in how I handled it, as I engaged in that connection for just under 48 hours, I knew what needed to be done so that I could show the Universe I’ve learned this lesson. After asking God for the strength to not make the same mistake again, I found the courage to take action. It was then I sent an e-mail to this person and explained how it would be unhealthy to continue developing a friendship with them. I wished them well on their journey in life and closed the door on that connection. And in doing so, I definitely felt much lighter.

You see, life is really all about choices. While I know there are some out there who might say it’s all about self-restraint, I’ve never had much luck in that department nor am I willing to take that chance again. The love I have for my partner today is something special and God-given and I’m not going to risk losing that again like I did with my ex so many years ago. Facing sexual temptation while in a monogamous relationship and walking away from it can be a very hard thing to do, especially for a person recovering from an addiction based life. But I know now I’ve chosen the right path as it’s the one that will continue to lead me closer to my Higher Power, to myself, and to a life filled with a lot more light and love.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Movies often seem to portray these magical moments where two people meet for the first time and instantly fall in love. The nickname these movies usually are given by the masses are “chick flicks” and people go in droves to see them for one reason. They want to believe that love at first sight exists but ironically, in more cases than not, what really exists is “lust at first sight”.

Let me establish right off the bat that I actually do enjoy “chick flicks” and those magical moments of love they always seem to paint. But I’ve also found from my own life’s experiences that movies like this aren’t based much in reality. In the real world, two people that meet for the first time and find each other seriously attractive will most often initially experience lust versus love.

Lust is when those two people become focused on each other’s looks and body more than engaging in any conversations that have real depth. It’s when they are thinking sexual thoughts without really knowing much about each other. It’s when they avoid sharing real feelings between each other. And it’s when either one of those people leave as soon as any sex is complete instead of cuddling and spending more time afterwards with each other.

Love on the other hand is when those two people want to spend quality time together doing things other than sex. It’s when they want to get lost in conversations and forget about the hours that pass. It’s when they want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings and make each other happy. It’s when they motivate each other to be better in some way. And when the sex finally transpires, its when their souls become connected on much a deeper level to where the two of them become intertwined as one.

I spent years and years meeting person after person where I had “feelings” for them and translated that into some form of early love. This frequently led me to going and telling everyone I knew how great this person was and that I thought they could be “the one”. By that point, I had already put on those rose-colored glasses where that person could do no wrong. What I never realized was that I was constantly creating a fantasy in my head like all those “chick flicks” did for me. I never stopped to ponder the fact that I didn’t know much of anything about those people I was having those “feelings” for. And how could I over the course of just a moment, a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months of time? While I kept each of these fantasies alive, the word “love” made it’s way into those connections and began to be mutually said between myself and the other person. But as time moved forward when I really got to know any of them and when the sex was already an act that had taken place between us, the illusion my fantasy created always dissipated. Most of the time when that happened, I was left with a feeling of disgust inside over what I had done, or I had the thought that it was time to move on to someone else where this process would start all over again.

Love is something that is cultivated over time and it’s not motivated by one’s selfish needs and wants. Until I figured that out, I just went from person to person experiencing lust and not love over and over again. I see all of this now in my relationship with my partner Chris. The two of us built a friendship before we ever even had a single intimate moment. That’s not to say that either of us didn’t have the thoughts before that happened, but we spent many months growing closer together and getting lost in each other’s sentences before even a single kiss took place.

My relationship with Chris does have some of that Hollywood magic built into it but it never was about hearing heavenly music and having slow motion scenes take place when we first met. Our love for each other has taken a lot of time to build and grow with God being at the center of it. I can’t say that was true with most of the others I ever chased after, even though I thought I was experiencing love with each of them.

So the next time you meet someone for the first time and feel that electric spark, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and realize you probably don’t know much about this person, except for the fact that you are most likely finding them rather hot. Having that heated attraction is only going to cloud your ability to think rationally. So as you become giddy and get the giggles while engaging in playful conversations with that person, understand that this is quite likely not “love at first sight”. The more likelihood is this, that you are only experiencing “lust at first sight”. Instead of going down that path and having meaningless sex and guilt laden feelings afterwards, try getting to know the person for awhile. Maybe then you’ll be able to develop a real love that’s shared mutually between you and that person, or you’ll just end up seeing that it really was nothing more than lust right from the start.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson