Month: October 2013

Have you ever had someone say those words to you that gave you some indication they were interested in hanging out with you and becoming better friends, yet all your repeated attempts to make that happen with them were rejected? I have and it’s something that has been a big challenge for me to face in my recovery.

Friendships were never an abundant commodity for me as a child. I grew up relatively alone and didn’t have many friends throughout most of the my grammar school years as I didn’t fit the image of what other people thought “cool” was. That began to change by my senior year as I started going through a two decade long chameleon phase where I became what others wanted me to become. During the majority of that time, I was never in short supply of friendships to spend time with. But as I’ve worked on my recovery and my relationship with God these past two years, it seems as if I’ve returned back to those childhood days when I was just being myself and hardly anyone took an interest into getting to know me. While I have grown accustomed and even have learned to enjoy the large amount of time I spend alone these days, it hasn’t stopped my want and desire in life to have a few more friends to hang out with. Unfortunately, on many occasions lately where I think a person is expressing interest to get to know me better and become a closer friend, I’m experiencing the opposite of that happening. A few days ago, I had two of these situations occur on the same day that tried my patience and resulted in me not only having to call my sponsor for help, but also having to pray quite a bit to let some resentments go.

The first was with a person who offered me in passing about two months earlier, an interest to hang out and attend some recovery meetings with me. Upon finding out my huge interest in movies, he also expressed a similar desire to have me join up with his group of friends when they occasionally went to one. Over the course of the two months since, I attempted to contact this person on three separate occasions. Some might say that one unreturned call would have be enough of a sign for them. Others might say that two would. In my case, I have usually tried three times only for the fact that too many people these days aren’t listening to their voicemails. Or maybe I’ve just been a glutton for punishment. Either way, he finally returned my third call. During it, I told him I was following up from the last time we had seen each other and that I wanted to take him up on his offer to hang out again. I was quite surprised when he replied that he didn’t remember telling me that. And even more surprised that he rejected all my attempts I made during that phone call to set up anything up for the two of us to ever hang out again. When that call ended, I felt extremely sad and frustrated for the fact that I never would have contacted this person in the first place if they hadn’t expressed interest in hanging out with me.

The second time this happened was ironically only a few hours after the first occurred. It was with a person that has been a casual friend of mine from recovery meetings for some time. A month earlier, he had contacted me with two free movie tickets and indicated he’d like to use them with me. So as not to draw this out into another long story, I’ll put it quite simply. He consistently said his schedule was too busy and let four weeks go by until he finally decided to just give me the tickets to use for myself. Sadly, they were the least of what I was interested in, as I would rather have gotten to know this friend better.

The moral of both of these situations has been the same for me. It’s about accepting that people aren’t always sincere about what they say in passing. Sometimes people suggest to others the idea of hanging out solely because they think it will make the other person feel better. Other times they might have a genuine moment of sincerity, but if no actions are followed through on their suggestion, then truly it was only ever a selfish thing on their part.

This is a repeated behavior that I have been on the receiving end of in the past few years and I believe my Higher Power has been trying to help me to see how I once did this with great frequency to others. Thankfully, I follow through today with those who I say I’d like to hang out with. I’ve learned that if I don’t, I’m not being very spiritual and that action will only end up hurting the other person. Because of those prayers with God and that conversation with my sponsor the other day, I see all of this so much more clearly now, and have been able to let both of those situations and resentments go.

As I move forward now, I’ve decided the next time someone says “We Should Hang Out Sometime”, that the healthiest thing for me is to let that person do the initial work in making that happen, since they are the one offering it. If it’s in God’s will for me to spend time with them, then I believe they will follow through with their suggestion. And if they don’t, I’m just grateful that I’m ok today to be alone, as sometimes that’s the best company one can ever have…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

There is an illusion out there in this world that too many people are falling under and it’s one that does the exact opposite effect of what is intended by it. That illusion is the idea that using criticism is a great motivational tool to helping someone become greater at what they’re doing in life.

Question – Do you know what the quickest way is to motivate someone to become better at what they’re doing in life?

Answer – Praise them…

Question – Do you know what the quickest way is to undermine someone’s motivation to become better at what they’re doing in life?

Answer – Criticize them…

My first real experience with this illusion was back in my competitive swimming days. I used to swim for miles and miles everyday and I was pretty good at it. And there was a time that I really enjoyed this sport where I had great potential to excel to elite levels. Around the turn of my age into teenager years, I was attempting to qualify for the New York State swimming championships at a very large swim meet. During a particular race there, in one of my best events, I narrowly missed the qualifying time to reach those state championships. As my mother gave me my towel to dry off once I got out of the pool, she told me I didn’t kick hard enough. What she didn’t know is that from then on, I began to stop caring about swimming. Instead of me trying harder and kicking harder as she indicated, I tried less and kicked less until I eventually quit the sport altogether a few years later.

What could have worked much better in motivating me back then when I stepped out of that pool was some praise from my mother. Here are just a few examples of what that might have looked like…

“You did a great job!”

“You did really well!”

“I’m so proud of you!”

“That was really amazing!”

To this day, I’ve never gone back to this sport other than for recreation. Although I’ve forgiven my mother long ago for what she said, she never did quite learn that praising me could have achieved everything she wanted for me with that sport and with many other things as well. Instead, her criticism caused me to second guess my talent, especially when I was already trying so hard to do well in the sport.

Throughout my life, I have also been on the receiving end of this illusion with many friends, partners, and bosses. When addictions used to run my life, friends criticized me by pointing out all of my bad behaviors. This only drove me into my addictions and acting out those behaviors even more. When I tried to help my now ex-partner run the bed and breakfast I once owned, he criticized almost every one of my attempts by pointing out something I was doing wrong. All that ended up doing was making me despise the business and losing interest in seeing it succeed. At each of the corporate jobs I held, I always did my best to put a stamp of perfection into all of my work. Unfortunately, I had a few bosses here and there who often overlooked that and instead commented on the few mistakes I might have made in my work. The result there was no different than my bed and breakfast experience in that I began to resent the job and stopped putting forth as much effort.

If you haven’t fully grasped this illusion yet, here’s a final example that will hopefully help you. I’m going to put my day to day entries in this blog on the line now to help you truly understand the difference between what praise achieves and what criticism does.

If you decided one day to leave me a comment on my blog and said that my words and stories were rather dull, boring, and uninspiring, do you think that would motivate me into writing any better? It wouldn’t. It would strike at my heart and affect my insecurity. In fact, all it would do is make me question whether I should continue writing at all.

But if you decided one day to leave me a comment on my blog and said you really have been enjoying reading my words and stories and that some have even been inspiring to you, do you think that would motivate me into writing any better? It would and actually, it has. The fact of the matter is that I have already received many written comments, as well as some even face to face, by those who have felt this way. This has led me to an even greater passion and desire to write.

I know some out there may be thinking, “What about constructive criticism?” The reality is that most people in this world are sensitive and criticism of any type is just that, CRITICISM. So whatever the type of criticism, even if it’s intended effect is to help a person grow, it usually comes away differently where it does nothing more than strike a person down or demotivate them.

My point here is very simple. You want to motivate someone to do better or become better with something they’re doing in their life? Try praising them and do it sincerely. And if you must offer guidance to them on any level, try praising them first and then use words that are non judgmental second. You’ll find in doing so that the person will often become motivated to doing whatever it is even better the next time they do it. But if you want to create resentments, raise insecurities, and decrease productivity, then start criticizing someone as that’s all criticism will achieve. Praise is a lot like God’s unconditional love and criticism is a lot like all the darkness that exists in this world. Maybe if everyone just starts praising each other a lot more, instead of criticizing, this world might become a much brighter and more loving place to live in.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson