Month: October 2013

“Fake It Till You Make It!”

As you probably know by now, because I have mentioned this quite a bit already in my writing, I’m not the biggest fan of using slogans and cliches to guide my life. But for whatever the reason, my life experiences seem to be imitating them lately, and today was a good example of one in particular…

“Fake It Till You Make It!”

The initial time I heard this phrase was during my first few months of sobriety when I started checking out a few AA meetings. While I didn’t stick around and instead avoided all of 12 Step recovery like the plague for about 12 years, this slogan somehow got stuck in my head. Maybe that’s due to those rare cases when I went to AA meetings back then and would hold them hostage with my many complaints in life. Usually someone always responded afterwards to me and said I needed to fake it till I made it. Honestly, I began to despise hearing that solely for the fact that at the time, I enjoyed living in drama and being negative about my life. So following the phrase’s meaning was doing exactly the opposite of how I wanted to be living at the time. Thankfully, that’s not the case anymore.

While I have my own understanding of what this phrase means, I was curious as to what the Internet said about it so I did a Google search before writing this article. As based upon what Wikipedia says, “‘Fake it till you make it’ is a common catchphrase that means to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence.”

Ironically, I also learned in this research that this token phrase did not originate in 12 Step recovery meetings as I once thought. Its actual origin is from a book titled “Con Man or Saint” that was published in 1969.  The book chronicled the life of Glen W. Turner who was a ninth-grade dropout and a poor tenant farmer that borrowed $5,000 for the sole purpose of opening his own business, which eventually went on to become a $100,000,000 endeavor for him. Throughout this book, it’s mentioned he used motivational phrases to become rich and one of those just happened to be “Fake It Til You Make It”.

Even more interesting is the fact that a few years later, Amway Corporation actually took this phrase and published a book with that as its title where it was utilized as a motivational tool for all of its sellers to aid in their personal sales growth. It appears that somewhere along the lines, it made its way into Alcoholics Anonymous. So thanks to some Amway distributor from years ago who probably was an alcoholic and shared the phrase at a meeting one day, it’s now become one of the most widely used slogans in all of 12 Step recovery. I have to believe that this probably is how most of the 12 Step recovery slogans originate, from one inspirational person sharing at a meeting.

Anyway, while I found all of this rather interesting during my research, I think the phrase can be summed up in a much easier way. It’s as simple as “acting as if”. In other words, if there is something in life that one is striving for, “act as if” it’s going to manifest into being and it will happen. As I mentioned earlier, that’s exactly what I did today when I awoke this morning and my physical pain levels were quite extreme. While my brian wanted to pout and complain and not leave the comfort of my bed, I forced myself out of it and began to go through my day doing the absolute best I could with every single activity that was planned. And not once during any of that time did I go into self-pity. Instead, I stayed positive throughout the day and did my best to keep my focus not only on all the things I was doing, but also on my belief that I will get better.

I reckon I have to face the truth now that one of my least favorite slogans seems to have become one I’m actually following quite a bit these days, like today. While you probably won’t ever catch me using this actual phrase during any of the times I share in a recovery meeting, the fact remains true that it’s definition is something which continues to help me keep going day after day with the health issues I’m still facing.

So for all those people who told me over the years “Fake It Till You Make It”, I guess my answer to them now would be “I AM!” Go figure.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

How Do Children Learn To Give And Receive Unconditional Love?

Do you know what can happen to children who grow up in families that struggle to show them unconditional love on a daily basis? I do. They often become adults who don’t know how to give and receive unconditional love because it was so unfamiliar to them as a child. Some will develop codependency with anyone that shows them the least bit of love and attention. And others will place huge walls around themselves and avoid any type of deeply loving relationship. But all of this can be prevented though…and it starts with the parents…

Some of my earliest memories were of my parents constantly being busy with things when I really needed them. There were many times I wanted to have a catch or do outside activities with my father but he was often too busy with his work to make time for me. There were also many times I wanted my mother to talk with me about some of the struggles I was going through but she was often too busy as well with doing things such as watching some of her favorite television shows. Add in the fact that the both of them were untreated alcoholics and the result was a very unloving and lonely childhood for me. Thankfully today I have a few friends who are wonderful parents that I have been able to observe and understand what it would have been like as a kid to actually receive love unconditionally.

One of the first things I’ve noticed with unconditionally loving parents is the wholehearted praise they constantly give their children. In my case, I didn’t receive much of this as I grew up. Instead, I remember the many occasions where I was told my grade of a “B” in a class should have been an “A”. I remember the chores that I did having to be redone many times because I was told they weren’t done well enough. I also remember being told my finishing place in my swim races could have been better if I tried harder. Unconditionally loving parents are proud of their children for everything that try to do their best in. They would appreciate that “B”, for doing those chores, or for whatever place they finished in any type of sport.

The second thing I’ve noticed with unconditionally loving parents is the active listening they do with their children on what they are going through in life. In my case, when something such as me getting picked occurred and I came home crying, instead of being consoled I was told to stop the tears and was sent to karate class. Ironically, when I finally learned karate and became a brown belt, I hit a kid one day who was picking on me and broke my hand. And guess what, I got in trouble with my parents because of it. Unconditionally loving parents would have consoled their kid if they were picked on or beat up. In fact, these days, they might even take it to the principal at school or the families of the person(s) doing the bullying to put an end to it. In another one of my cases, I came home one day in my early teens and started crying as I told my parents that I thought I was attracted to my own sex. Sadly, it was immediately dismissed as just a phase I was going through. Today, unconditionally loving parents are embracing their children when this happens by telling them it’s ok no matter what their sexual preference is.

Some other things I’ve noticed in unconditionally loving families include:

1. Not forcing their kids to eat or drink the things they don’t enjoy consuming.

2. Not forcing their kids to wear clothing they didn’t help to pick out.

3. Making time every day to play with their children instead of telling them they’re busy.

It may seem with all of what I’ve written here that my parents weren’t so great in how they raised me. But here’s the truth, through my hard work in therapy, recovery, and spirituality, I have learned that they did the best they could given their limitations. Unfortunately, their addictions and their inner demons prevented them from ever truly becoming those unconditionally loving parents. Because of this, I grew up not knowing and understanding what unconditional love was all about. Instead, I spent much of my life clinging to people very similar to my parents who couldn’t love me at all or could only offer me love in small tidbits. And if pure love ever came my way, I ran from it because it felt completely foreign and scary. This is precisely the reason why I had so many meaningless sex based relationships throughout my life because in them, unconditional love was never present.

While I have done the work to heal from all of this and am able now to offer and receive pure love and light, there are still many children out there who are growing up in families that are seriously lacking in unconditional love, just like mine once did. Tragically, this will just lead that child to clinging or avoiding whatever love comes their way later in life. If you don’t want this to happen, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and start practicing the following four principles DAILY:

1. Praise your children no matter how small their achievements.

2. Always listen to your children when they are trying to talk to you and offer them your compassion with whatever it is, rather than your judgments.

3. Allow them to be active in the decision making with the simple things in life such as the food they want to eat or the clothing they want to wear.

4. Set aside some fun time to partake in the things your children have fun doing with you.

I’m sure you’ll find in following these principles that your children will grow up knowing how to give and receive unconditional love. And isn’t that what you would want for them???

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

You Get Out Of Recovery What You Put Into It

For someone who is suffering from any type of addiction, a common illusion is that putting the addiction down is going to be the hardest part to finding recovery from it. The truth that most find out soon enough is that the hardest part is actually the work they need to do after quitting the addiction. And the reality that every person will face at some point in their recovery after realizing this is that they’ll get as much out of recovery as what they put into it.

I find that most newbies to 12 Step recovery programs initially come in broken and are willing to do just about anything to feel better. The problems for them begin to mount though when they start feeling better. That’s when the idea of going to meetings everyday, calling their sponsor regularly, doing the written step work, and doing any type of service work starts to fall to their wayside. And here’s the simple truth as to why that happens…

There are no quick fixes!

When active in an addiction, there is a quick fix, a quick high, and a quick result to feeling better, even if it’s just for a moment. In recovery though, there is not. Instead, there are a lot of planting of seeds through the recovery work to get to the state of feeling better more than not. Sadly, many people relapse as soon as they start figuring this out.

Since working my recovery diligently these past few years, I have seen what it takes to achieve the positive results that 12 Step recovery can bring a person that has suffered from any addiction. I have also seen many of the things that can lead a person back to relapse as well. They vary from person to person but here’s some examples from my own recovery that can help shed some light into the simple truth that one will only get out of recovery what they put into it.

1. In my first 12 years of sobriety, I had no recovery. I had no sponsor. I rarely attended any 12 Step meetings. I helped no one out but myself. I got involved in plenty of other substitute addictions. And my life was completely filled with drama and misery for most of it.

2. In years 12-13, I started to try a 12 Step recovery path. I called my sponsor every single day. I attended AA meetings almost every day. I volunteered at the AA hotline once a week. I spoke at least once a week at a detox or some other place of recovery for those still suffering. I did all the written work as my sponsor laid out for me. I started sponsoring others. But I kept a few substitute addictions alive by acting out in them regularly. While much of my drama and misery dissipated and was replaced with more feelings of happiness, I still had many moments of quick highs and terrible lows.

3. In years 13-16, I decided to take a break from much of that 12 Step recovery path. I started jumping from sponsor to sponsor and didn’t check in with any of them regularly. I attended meetings once or twice a week and played on my phone or talked with friends during the ones I did go to. I stopped volunteering at the AA hotline. I often avoided speaking at those detoxes and other places where people were still suffering. I got involved even deeper into those other substitute addictions. I began hanging out with those who were active in their own alcohol or drug addictions too. And not only did all of that lead me to the brink of relapse, I also tried to commit suicide.

4. In years 16-18+, I went back to the basics. I got a sponsor and started checking in with them regularly again. I went through the step work completely again too. I started doing more service work and began speaking several times a week at those detoxes and other places of recovery. I began attending at least four to five meetings a week and put my phone away during each of them. I cut out of my life all those people who were still active in their addictions and ended all my substitute addictions. Most recently, I started writing in this blog as part of the 12th Step so as to practice my spiritual awakening in all of my affairs. And because of all of this work, I don’t have any crazy highs or lows anymore, I am lot more clear in my thinking day to day, and I smile a lot more genuinely than I ever used to.

The bottom line here is quite simple with what I’m trying to say in these four stages of my sobriety…

You get out of recovery what you put into it. 

If you put forward nothing into your recovery, like I did for the first 12 years, I’m sad to say, but you’ll probably just relapse or stay profoundly miserable for most of it.

If you put forward an 80 percent effort into your recovery, like I did in years 12-13, you’ll still have 20% of your life bringing you that pain and suffering just like you had when you were active in your addiction.

If you put forward a 20-40% effort, like I did in years 14-16, you’ll still have 60-80% of the time bringing you that pain and suffering just like you had when you were active in your addiction.

But if you put forward a 100% effort, like I have been doing in years 16-18+, chances are you’re going to eliminate all of the pain and suffering that came from your addiction. While I can’t promise you that life itself will become pain free in this stage, I can say that it will become 100% more manageable, no matter what life sends your way. So start putting forward 100% effort into your recovery, and never stop. In doing so, you stand the best chance in life to finding the peace and serenity that the 12 Steps and, of course, God, can bring you. And know that any less of an effort will only start taking you away from all of that…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson