Month: October 2013

Stepping Out Of Those Boxes…

There was a time I considered myself a very staunch Christian who refused to be open to anything but the Bible and the Trinity. I lived in a box and anything that approached my box, but wasn’t already in it, I dismissed as blasphemy. Over time though, I came to learn that for as long as I stay in any type of box, my spirituality couldn’t grow beyond the walls of it.

The first time I started looking outside my initial Christian box in life was completely due to my sexuality. Up until the age of 23, I was basically asexual. While I had many thoughts about same-sex relations since puberty, I never acted upon any of them and instead drank and drugged those feelings away. That all began to change when I fell in love with one of my best male friends during my senior year of college. The difficulty that I faced with that was knowing the seven passages that existed between the Old and New Testament which spoke against homosexuality. Eventually I quit drinking and drugging because I honestly thought they were causing me to have those same sex feelings. Early on in sobriety, I spent quite a bit of time focusing on my sexuality because I was under such duress over it. After much deliberation, I came to the acceptance that I was born gay. The problem I still faced with that though, was knowing where Christianity stood on this subject.

Initially, I had one foot in a box and one foot out of it as I lived a double life. I went to a very right wing Christian church that was extremely family oriented. At the same time I fell for a man during my first year of sobriety who became my first long term monogamous relationship. I became very conflicted because of this. On the one hand, most gay people I was meeting had rejected God because of what Christians were constantly saying about them. But on the other hand, I loved reading and studying the Bible and felt that God loved me just as I was. When I finally decided to step fully outside of that first box I had created around me, I outed myself to that church I was going to. Sadly, they didn’t accept me so I put myself into another box, one that rejected God, like so many other gay people have done for the same reason.

I spent awhile in that second box until I discovered the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) of Washington, D.C. There I saw many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgendered people following the Christian religion. Everyone always seemed so happy at those services I went to there. I began to get to know many of the attendees quite well, each who had good hearts and souls, and formed several close friendships because of it. I started having trouble understanding how God could send any of them to hell, as that is what many Christians had told me where I would go if I continued “practicing” being gay. I began to stop buying into the idea that God put millions of people on this earth to have these feelings only to want them to be celibate for their entire life or to force themselves to be with the opposite sex and be miserable. I also started to accept that while the Bible might have been inspired by God, it was also written by men (who were human and flawed like we all are) thousands of years ago in a time where things were very different. Some Christians would say that statement alone is blasphemy. I realize today that when I used to say that, it was only because I was in fear that maybe my truths weren’t the only truths, so that became my defense mechanism. In a short time after all this, I left that second box completely and began to question everything.

I started meeting wonderful Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, and many other people who practiced religions other than Christianity. Sadly, most of the Christians I knew at the time told me that God would never allow any of those people into Heaven because they weren’t accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. I couldn’t buy into the idea that God would deny admission into Heaven all those millions and millions of people that were created by God just because they weren’t practicing one specific religion.

Today, through much research, meditation, prayer, and life lessons, I’ve come to a place where I can’t live in a box anymore that accepts any of those crazy notions. I’ve learned too much and have seen that there is a little bit of truth to everything out there but just as much misconceptions and lies surrounding it all as well. I still love the Christian religion, the Bible, and the Trinity. But I also love just as much studying Gautama Buddha and the Buddhism religion, Muhammad and the Muslim religion, anything to do with Hinduism, Wicca, or any other religion for that matter. I come to fully accept not only my homosexuality as God given, but also things such as karma, reincarnation, psychics, mediums, tarot cards, astrology, and numerology, solely because I’m no longer living in any box. All of these things can have inherent good in them if they are practiced that way. And I don’t believe that anyone who practices any of these things with unconditional love in their hearts is going to be denied admission into Heaven or sent to some type of hell.

Regardless, I once lived in several boxes that I didn’t want to see out of and I stayed in them with others who believed exactly as I believed. My spirituality and my understanding of life weren’t able to grow beyond the walls of those boxes as a result. By permanently stepping out of all of those boxes, I was able to start accepting everyone from all walks of life and have been able to see how we all are connected. While remaining in a box might have once felt safe to me, especially when so many others were there with me, staying in them prevented me from ever coming to believe in one very important truth.

God is love and loves everyone equally. Regardless of what one’s sexual preference is (whether they are practicing it or not), or what one’s religion is, or what one’s belief systems are, I believe that all that matters to God is to make sure we practice them with love and light, not just towards ourselves, but also towards each other, just like I’m sure God does with all of us…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

What Is A Dry Drunk Anyway?

If you have read any of my previous postings, then you are probably already somewhat familiar with the term “dry drunk” by now as I’ve used it to describe how I was during most of the early years of my sobriety.

To put it quite simply, the best broad definition of a “dry drunk” is someone who is no longer active in their addiction, but still has their addict state of mind. Unfortunately, that actually happens quite a bit to many people and it usually starts at the very beginning of one’s sobriety from whatever their addiction was, just like it did for me.

The first day I was ever able to draw a sober breath was on June 11th, 1995. On that day, I no longer had any alcohol or drugs that were numbing my mind and body and suppressing all those demons that lived within me. Some of those demons included my dysfunctional childhood, my alcoholic parents, my insecurities, my sexuality, and being molested. At the time I faced several choices on how to deal with all those demons. One of those choices would have led me back to using alcohol and drugs to continue numbing me. A second choice was to to get a good therapist. And a third one was to go into the 12 Step recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Right away, I eliminated the first choice because I knew the depths of despair that it had caused me. For awhile, I chose the second choice which helped me to get comfortable with my new found sobriety and sexuality. But as for that third one, I went a few times to some meetings where I judged what I saw and heard and decided it wasn’t for me. That’s when my path of “sodriety”, as I fondly nickname it now, began, and where I started to become that dry drunk.

Discovering alcohol and drugs was a miracle in my brain because they were a magic elixir that I used to make those demons disappear for awhile. Through all those active years of using those elixirs, I developed many glaring character defects that only compounded my disease of addiction. Those character defects were front and center the day I drew my first sober breath and what I never understood back then was how AA and the 12 Steps could have helped me to remove them. As my sober years passed by one by one, each of those character defects grew worse and worse and I developed even more of them.

If you took a snapshot of me during the five years I drank and drugged, and then took another of me five years into my sobriety, you would be able to see how my character defects looked very similar. In the first snapshot of my active days of alcohol and drug addiction, you would notice I was lying, cheating, manipulating, and guilt tripping my way through life. In the second snapshot where I was five years sober, you would notice not much had changed with any of those negative behaviors.

The sad reality for someone who ends up on a path of being that dry drunk and does not find help through some combination of therapy, 12 Step recovery, and a Higher Power is that it’s as much of a dead-end as it was when they were active in their addiction. It took me somewhere between 12 and 16 years of sobriety to fully realize this. Ironically, I hurt more people and caused more damage as a dry drunk then during the days I actively drank and drugged my life away. This is an unfortunate truth for someone who becomes that dry drunk. It’s common for a dry drunk to either find other new addictions to continue numbing themselves from those demons, or to relapse altogether back into their former addiction. Thankfully, I never had the latter happen but the former was definitely true for me.

I just couldn’t face my demons or my character defects so I used combinations of sex and love, codependency, gambling, shopping, caffeine, and geographical cures to continue eluding them. Sadly, some people will choose to stay as a dry drunk the rest of their lives. For those that do, they usually become just as miserable, if not much worse, in that state than when they were active with their addiction. Often, those people will discover that nothing ever seems to bring them peace, happiness, and joy. And if you think about that for a moment, isn’t that no different than how a person feels when they are active in their addiction?

Today, I can safely say that I have fully realized this principle and have moved very far away from the state of being a dry drunk. I’m extremely active in my 12 Step recovery now and even more active in my quest to grow closer to my Higher Power. Most of my demons and characters defects have been completely removed and for those that are remaining, they are on their way out as well. While there are many paths out there that can help both the active or dry drunk find healing, I have found that those 12 Step recovery programs were enough for me. They led me to facing all of those things I used so many addictions to numb myself from, and they helped me as well to find my Higher Power who has been in the process of removing them all.

There is a bottom line I have wanted to get across to you with all of this on what a dry drunk is…

Just know that becoming a dry drunk will do nothing more than eventually lead a person to even greater depths of despair then all their days combined when they were active in their addiction(s). Hopefully knowing that, it’s enough to deter anyone from ever ending up that way.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“I Quit!!!” Or “You Can’t Fire Me!!!”

It’s been a rather long time since I was an employee at any type of company. The last time I had a full time employer was all the way back in December of 2004. At that point I had been working in the computer consulting field since graduating from college back in November of 1994 and by that time I had achieved over nine years of sobriety. But ironically, my track record at every place of employment, including that last one I found myself in, was quite terrible. And there was only one reason for that: my alcoholism, yet I wasn’t even drinking.

By December of 2004, I had worked at somewhere around thirteen different computer based jobs in just under 10 years. At that time in my life, my employer was U.S. Customs and I was more sick then I was nine years earlier when I found sobriety. My ego had grown to be a mile wide. I lived in a ton of self-will. And I rarely turned anything over to God. Because of this, I harbored many character defects that ran rampant in every area of my life, especially at places of work, such as U.S. Customs. Prior to that job, I had either quit out of anger or been fired from all of my previous places of employment. The truth was that I hadn’t changed much for the better since finding sobriety. How could I? I was nothing more than a dry drunk who had no recovery program. I had done no step work, and was actually adding to my character defects rather than lessening them. This spilled into every job where I became just as selfish and self-centered as I was when I had been drinking and drugging. Rarely was I a team player. I was always conveniently busy when my jobs wanted me to help out on nights or weekends. I had the best excuses as to why I hardly attended any company social gatherings. Essentially all I did at every job was show up on time, do my work as I was asked to, and go home as soon as the clock hit the hour I was allowed to. So when my reviews came up, while I always received good marks for my attendance and what I actually worked on, I got horrific ones for everything else, like my attitude, my personal behaviors, and my interpersonal skills with others.

The reality was that I got in a lot of arguments with my teammates and my bosses. I probably should have been fired from every single job I ever worked at, but like a good alcoholic I always had to have the last word so I would quit if I knew things were heading that way. In the few times that I did get fired, I was totally surprised and became extremely angry and full of rage. My sickness had me so convinced that those jobs couldn’t survive without me and that I had been the best thing to ever happen for them. Once I even threatened to sue one of those companies that fired me for the most ridiculous of reasons. While that reason is unimportant, the fact was that I had become seriously sick. My disease had progressed so much to the point where I felt I was never the problem at any of these jobs and that it was always them.

In that last place of employment, U.S. Customs, I was also simultaneously trying to start up my own business on the side with an ex-partner. Every Friday, I’d leave my corporate job at 1pm and drive three hours to that business that my ex-partner was running full-time in my absence. I started to get disciplined by my corporate job for leaving at 1pm because it was required for all government employees to leave no earlier than 3pm. For awhile, I whined to my boss about how bad my commute would be on a Friday leaving that late and it worked. But my teammates started to complain as they weren’t getting the same privilege. Finally I was given the mandatory requirement by my boss that I had to stay from then on until 3pm. My response to him on that day was, “I quit!!!” I spent six more years after that running that business into the ground until I lost everything from that venture. Since then, I hit a major bottom and turned my will COMPLETELY over to the care of God and asked for guidance to rebuild me from the ground up. And that has definitely been happening.

Because of that, I know that things will be vastly different for me now at any place I become employed at. While I haven’t officially worked since January of 2010, I have been a team player with many other things I’ve been a part of. I have also done my best to go above and beyond the call of duty in each of them. For these reasons, I’m convinced that when I return to the active workforce, as I plan on doing in the very near future, I will be nothing like I once was in that U.S. Customs job or any of the others prior to it.

Thankfully today I’m able to see that it was my disease of alcoholism that led me to jumping from job to job to job after quitting or being fired at each of them. I know now that it was my character defects that led to my demise with all of them. I’m grateful that I can see now it was never my bosses, my teammates, the type of work, or the companies that were to blame. It was always me, the dry drunk and alcoholic me. With God at my helm now, I can safely say I really don’s see myself having to face the day again where I end up screaming at a boss and saying the words, “I Quit!!! or “You Can’t Fire Me!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson